I officially inform my readers that Portia’s Swallow skin and WTG collar, which are both fabulous, are available at Limited Bazaar for another week. With this formal blog business concluded, I consider myself free to fulfill one of my fantasies: writing about my experience of sexual submission. (If that’s the first line of 50 Shades of Gray, it’s not a citation. I’ve invested too much time in reading unrespectable erotica to go legit in an airport bookstore.) This is newbie stuff for me, and still virtual in the sense that the man I play with lives far far away. I enjoy our complicity as we concoct a scenario. I believe that he likes me ungagged and uncompromising as much as he likes me gagged and pliable. (Of course, this relationship will fall apart and I will hate the [future] son-of-a-bitch, but probably not before server-side baking locks me out of SL. So you get to read the happy part of the story. Only my therapist will have to deal with the sad.) Nothing that I’ve read about BDSM prepared me for the emotional dimension of my recent experiences. I’ve discovered that the eroticization of feelings like humiliation and the need to please makes those feelings pleasurable. This reminds me of Freud’s concept of humour as a means of overcoming a threat to the ego, except in submission one experiences the threat rather than trying to evade it with a joke. Of course, both of these strategies involve play, which, for me, right now, is the foundation of the D/S relationship.
The other astonishing thing about the emotions I’m describing is the simple fact that I’m having them. I have never felt humiliated by someone and never felt a bewildered hurt at being misused. This despite the fact that I’ve had lovers who did humiliate me and did mistreat me in garden-variety ways. In those situations I was aware of feeling anger and despair, reactive emotions rather than the emotions that preceded the reactions. Wanting to please someone has never been part of my emotional makeup. (Oh so symmetrically, I have never consciously wanted to be pleased by someone. My pleasure has always felt like my responsibility.) In the situation of playing sub to my dom, I feel an overwhelming need to please him, which, oddly enough, I enjoy. As much as submission forces, or allows, me to exist in a simpler and more malleable form of myself, it also permits, and perhaps requires, me to feel fierce. I’ve discovered that allowing myself to be diminished ritually has the effect of expanding me. (Not every time, of course, and not during every moment of a play session. If my blog entry makes you feel like trying this at home, consider that a penis gag is just uncomfortable if there’s no compelling reason to keep it on.)
Credits to creators
^^Swallow^^ Anja Limited Bazar Ivory (A)
Miss Shippe’s Studio, gold breasts like Midas bukake (gacha)
MONS / Shocking eyes – brown
Dura, Girl 27(Black)resize
Countdown. Karolina Gold Corset S
+:+WTG+:+ **Black Queen** collar (at Limited Bazaar)
Fleshtone :: Vanity Studded Cuffs
HOC Industries – Thigh Boots (Extra Small)
PIDIDDLE – Sharp Nails – Silver Glitz (old gift)
ooo Studio and Gos, Pose Pouf
GIMPed but not PIMPed
