People often ask me how I manage to keep up with my research and writing while maintaining an unhealthy level of depression. The secret is letting yourself go. This is easy if your depression takes the form of paralysis. When, after half a day of sloth, you realize that you are once again shitting your life’s work away, going out to work without washing your hair feels like the right thing to do. If you are trying to be a productive member of society while neglecting all its duties and pleasures, you stand to benefit from the tricks I’ll share with you today.
1. Forget the shower
Take whore baths (all the cracks). It was good enough for your great grandmother. Not that she was a whore. She just didn’t have any running water. I use two cloths, one for the dirty parts and one for the delicate parts. I’ll let you decide for yourself what is which. Conserving energy by removing lights from your bathroom makes everything—including the all-white room itself—look much less dirty than you imagined.
2. Put the shower to better use
If you comb your long shedding hair into the sink, you have to clean up every last strand every day. Or they will tangle up in the drain. Eco-freindly unclogging costs you an hour’s worth of writing or moping time: 15 minutes fishing the decomposing hair out of the drain, 45 minutes gagging between fishing attempts. I discovered I could avoid all this by combing my locks into the tub that I wasn’t using for bathing.
3. Reluctantly use the shower properly
Studies show that Pssst! can only keep your hair smelling like an old lady for so long. Eventually it will smell like a dead old lady, and you will have to allow water to beat down on your bean. (Be sure to fish the hair out of the shower before you hop in. Feel satisfied that you’ve only had to round up the strays once this week.) I dispute the claim that having sex is the best motivator for more frequent and thorough bathing. It’s way too easy to convince yourself that staying sticky and wet, in more than one place, is some kind of tribute to your lover.
4. Stock up on basics
Postpone laundry for a month or more by buying dozens of panties. You can’t afford to pay twenty bucks a piece, so go to the big department store and find that one table with five pair for $19.99. Sure, they are going to be decorated with tiny turtles and inappropriately child-sized bows, but they will also be cotton, which is far healthier for the vajayjay (especially if you want to walk around sticky and wet after sex…). EMTs do not actually check your panties, so it’s safe to wear each pair for two days. Bonus: any morning you wake up late or frantic, you get to forget how many days that pair on the floor has already served. If you find a bra you like, buy three in black, saving the time you would waste trying to find another bra you like. If you wear all three identical bras before any single one of them is dirty, you will lose track of which one you’ve worn too many times and the pressure to wash them is off.
5. Multitask in the shower
If you have to shower, make it worthwhile by simultaneously washing out a couple of pairs of undies or a bra. Never wash more than one bra in one session: chances are you’ve forgotten what you did with the second one, but if you look several times you should be able to find the third one in one of the piles of all-black clothes on the chairs in your bedroom.
Credits to creators
MichaMi: Hedda Leather Dress in Wine_M
[ #7 ] D I S C O V E R Y – zero miles Lashes (at Finesmith’s Summer Boutique; ty Shortie!)
Miasnow, Sweety Pale
cStar Limited – Spectrum Lines Eyeliner (old gift)
>TRUTH< Demi – chocberry
bellballs/PIDIDDLE – Fringed Cuff – Tropical (Golden Finish)
MONS / Shocking eyes – sky
Glitterati, Pin up Girl pack (on sale till store close at end of June)
I always have time to GIMP.