If humiliation spoke

dangerousnerves In today’s post I try to put into words the feelings I experienced in a D/s scene of erotic humiliation. Writing this post was not easy because it’s partly about life with my father, who was a jerk. You are going to be reading an abridged version of a longer piece I couldn’t finish because I couldn’t resolve my thoughts about him. As I intimated in my August 4th post, I am following Freud’s dictum that adult neurosis—of the kind that makes for ordinary misery—can be traced back to childhood experiences. (That is, it’s normal to be unable to resolve one’s thoughts about one’s parents.) If this doesn’t sound like your type of read, resist the compulsion to click.  
In my previous post I talked about experiencing humiliation when my top tied my wrists in front of me, took up the rest of the rope as a leash, and walked me through a professional dungeon. As I said then, the pleasure I found in humiliation was emotional hurt. At the time I could not have said why it hurt or what I felt. I was, however, able to identify those feelings a couple of days later and then, in a session with my therapist, contextualize them. I have always been too preoccupied with present-day problems to put much stock in Freud’s principle of remembering and working through childhood pain and fantasies. But my therapist frequently draws (not entirely convincing) parallels between painful adult experiences and those I had when I was a child and was subjected to my father’s genteelly dictatorial depressive behaviour. (How’s that for a description?) He made me feel small and miserable on principle: his rule was that I should not be happy because no one is meant to be happy. It was his unhappiness that made universal unhappiness a rule: I don’t think he could have lived with it if he thought his misery was an exception. (I see his rule as a twisted version of the Protestant ethic. Never enjoy today what you must never enjoy. This because you can and must out-wait that feeling of wanting something or someone. [From this perspective, a need is a disguised want. There are no genuine needs. So much for fantasies.])
pain free I have long thought that I resisted my father’s power over me and thus did not suffer from it. I have also known this could not be true. But I wasn’t able to recall or even imagine how I felt as a child. I have known only that my lifelong refusal to engage with people was my primary means of resistance. (And that has not worked out well for me.) I believe that my recent taste of the pain of humiliation revealed to me something of my childhood response to my impossible parent. I can put what I felt in the dungeon into these words: “How could you do this to me? I can’t believe you’re doing this.” When I related this account of my experience to my therapist, she marvelled at how close it got to childhood pain and suggested that power exchange might be a valuable occasion for confronting pain. She opined that the intensity of experiences like this—of playing at being bound and helpless within the spatial and temporal limits of a scene—were probably keeping me up at night, but perhaps it was worth it. I wondered aloud what I should do. “Should I stop playing in order to regain my emotional equilibrium and sleep soundly?” My therapist responded with the best possible question, which I answered in the proverbial heartbeat. “If you were able to sleep,” she asked, “would you still want to stop playing?” “No,” I replied, because “hell no” would have made me sound like someone who’s determined to have what she desires. And that’s the big no no.

Credits

-Glam Affair – Yolandi Africa – 02 G (gacha at Shiny Shabby)
Nox. Beauty Marks [Four]
pic 2 only: INYB {I’m Not Your Boomerang} HENNA FULL BODY tat with appliers for mesh bodies (NEW at The Lexi Project)
.Olive. the Steamer Hair – Satin (n/a: Hair Fair gift)
location Hollowtree
pose 1: Imeka
pose 2: Stockholm&Lima, Basic Shibari Ring pose prop

Btw I am aware of all of the problem with Freud’s theories. I was, however, schooled in feminist appropriations of Lacan’s reading of Freud and I am a devotee of all involved. (That said, I don’t believe in the unconscious as a powerful force that could revolutionize society if unleashed. I try to not admit this when I’m with my peers, but sometimes it just slips out…)

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