I spent two weeks trying to write—and avoiding writing—an account of a partial suspension rope scene that left me bummed, not blissed, out. I want to be truthful about the downsides of BDSM. It’s not always ecstatic, and it can go wrong in ways that aren’t as notable and traumatic as injury or consent violation. I got bogged down writing up the details of the rigging, comparing the depressing partial suspension to the uplifting partial my regular top and I did the previous month. Suffice to say, the dispiriting tie was not torture, just challenging, an unintended predicament. The predicament extended beyond the rigging in both space and time. We were at a pro dungeon party and other attendees were sitting on a couch directly across from us, watching us play as though we were television (premium channel, I hope). I think this made both of us tense. More importantly, I had spent more than a week feeling all colours of upset because my top would not commit to a date to scene. He needs to get it together. But I had fucked up by agreeing that we could “play it by ear,” even though I know that I am not capable of being laid back or spontaneous. Ear play, it’s not my kink. (You’ll get an eyeful under the cut, so don’t proceed if eye play is not, y’know…)
Had my top and I ended the night with aftercare alone, I’d have gone home a wretch. Luckily, we had plenty of time, so we were able to just hang out and watch—politely—the dommes work their magic. We reconnected, casually, two people who are slowly becoming rope-free friends. In retrospect I realize that our play time was not without pleasure. The best moment occurred during negotiation. I asked my top how he wanted to tie me and he said he was going to expose me “because I know you like that.” Hearing his words I felt as though I’d been promised a big birthday treat. But I was pleasantly apprehensive: I might not have enough nerve and will to receive it. I was also surprised. How did he know I like that? Yes, I’d told him it was a recurring fantasy, and we’d played it out successfully before, but I couldn’t figure out how he knew I enjoyed it so much. I’d taken my top’s hand in mine when we sat down to negotiate. As his words sank in and my mixed feelings welled up, squeezing his hand in gratitude was the only thing I could do to consent.
I shot this photo when I heard the Opium club was closing for good. It has been downsized but it still has that Opium feel.
tattoo White Widow
mesh head Lelutka
skin Glam Affair Liss gacha (try yard sales or Marketplace gacha resellers)
mesh body Maitreya’s Lara
ballerina leggings Reign (last month’s Collabor88)
prop Stockholm & Lima (please note that for some unknown reason my computer eats the perfectly robust ribbons tying Portia to the bars)