In the hanging garden

all mod cons bwHe called to cancel our date on Friday afternoon. His father is seriously ill. He wouldn’t see him till Sunday. He couldn’t think about anything else. I cried on public transportation for 75 minutes. If it had been a crowded rush-hour train all the bodies would have afforded me some privacy. (One very nice man did give me a napkin and encouraged me to open it to get the most out of it.) In texts, I tried to suggest alternatives to the elaborate rope scene my top and I had been planning. I was selfish, but… I don’t know him very well. It’s possible a little light bondage is the perfect thing to relieve his stress. Tops are said to lack control in their lives and enjoy controlling the bottom’s body; for rope tops this extends to the intense focus of the tying. (Bottoms are said to seek relief from obligations to act. [Obligations to act might be called “power” if most bottoms were men.] My career as a professor saddles me with more responsibility and authority than I want. And yet I’ve never been in a scene that freed me from making decisions. The possibility of nerve damage keeps me alert.) (There’s RL lingerie and, yes, some tasteful avatar nudity after the dreaded cut.) sweet thing At least two things drove my extreme disappointment. First, my penchant for fantasy. Planning a scene is partly practical: one starts negotiating online and choosing the desired equipment. Planning is also an opportunity for my imagination to go into overdrive, and it’s hard for me to let go of the sometimes elaborate fantasies I’ve built up. My top and I play for two hours. I arrive with a weekend’s worth of ideas, as does he. He plots ties every time I text him a new idea. And he anticipates the scene by carefully packing his bag the night before. This time that bag held new rope, which is wonderfully scratchy. He was probably looking forward to dragging it back and forth across my skin until I called him a big meanie.
sweet girl I had been fantasizing all week about going completely nude and crotch-roped, but I was ambivalent because I knew the other rope people would be at the dungeon, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to share my unfashionable bush with my peers. (I could imagine the riggers entering earnestly into a debate about the authenticity of pubic hair. Didn’t bush hark back to the days when shibari was a pure Japanese practice? Yes, but shouldn’t shibari evolve with the bald times?) My breakthrough inspiration came Friday morning when I was readying myself to fulfill some of those pesky responsibilities—going to a goddamn faculty meeting dressed like a goddamn adult. I realized that the outfit pictured here would be a perfectly sly way of introducing my bush to the world. My top could do some peekaboo play with my loose-fitting tap pants and the red crotch rope. And it would all look so innocent because I would not be dressed in black. (Of course, the fashionista in me relished the texture and colour combos and my skill at putting them together. That in itself fulfilled a fantasy.)
devil gag It’s 2PM and I am taking the day off, but not as happily as I imagined I would. I thought I would still be blissed out and incapable of concentration. But no, it’s 2PM on a day when I might have fulfilled my obligation to concentrate if I weren’t still feeling upset at losing that time with my top. Time. The second reason why postponing hits me so hard is the feeling that I am running out of time sexually. He’s not free again for a month. By then that aberrant period I had mid-cycle last month might look more like the onset of menopause. And that, in my over-active imagination, means loss of the desire that I only recently won back from depression. I expect that I will repulse the younger men I meet in the scene, who must be able to sense the end of a woman’s desirability. That doesn’t have to be a chemical phenomenon: I will probably signal clearly my own sense of even lower sexual attractiveness. (Body shame update. They weren’t hemorrhoids! I am young again. Except for the incipient varicose vein that I keep trying to push back into place.) (Writing this post is cheering me up. Thank you for reading it.)
must be the thwack of loveI’ll tell you something that I haven’t even told my therapist. I have always loved being a very wet woman and enjoy it when partners tease me about it. (“If I slap your pussy again,” one said, “I’m going to get it in the eye.”) I have allowed myself very few opportunities to share my juices with anyone. So the thought of drying up at menopause makes me hysterical and sends me into a fit of grief over stealing from myself fifteen years of sex life. Yes, I’ve always jerked off and had more orgasms than I would have had with partners. But the Hitachi doesn’t remark on the state of my privates. Maybe it could be improved with a Siri-like feature, one that will not only compliment what’s left of my swamp but also direct me to try the lube that sponsors the toy and, just in case I stop being a stubborn Japanese shibari purist, the five-star waxing salon closest to my home.

Credits
I offer a special thank you to total stranger Xiulan Caldwell for giving me the blue gacha shoes, which I coveted like a maniac.
*LODE* Head Accessory – Melle Flowers [white] and [pink], which is rare (last Chapter Four gacha)
tram, D217 hair / group gift <3 (resize script)
-tres blah- Catcall (Maitreya fit) – White (Collabor88 now)
White~Widow tattoo, Altar – Henna (at We Love Roleplay)
.LeLutka.Mesh Head-STELLA v1.1
-Glam Affair – Mila 13 Exotic (gacha at Kustom9 or buy from reseller on Marketplace or at yard sales) (the Exotic tone is in the Maitreya HUD)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara [including hands and feet, which I often substitute with Slink versions] V3.4
WEON, stockings (group gift) (compatible with many mesh bodies)
Ama. : Ballet Cuffs : Slate
pic four only: really nice cuffs come from Stockholm & Lima Princess Cage
Pure Poison – Leila Spumps – Blue Ombre – Maitreya fit (gacha)
[D’evil] Bamboo gag (scripted; free on Marketplace)
[ abrasive ] Love Bondage – Paddle (this is pink, not black, and I have grown to love it) (gacha at Kink Monthly)
{S0NG} :: Chibi~ Abyss Eye
Di’s Opera poses, Rockabilly pack
shot at House of Shibari

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