Undeserving

nopenopenope Vulpinetta wrestles in a kinky circus called erm…. Hmmmm. I’m not good with fiction. Let’s start again, getting straight to my account of a difficult scene. It’s not safe for work.  On Friday evening I fooled around taking pics while thinking about playing again with R., a bottom who is becoming a top. The first time we played was a Halloween romp: we pretended that I was too shy to take my dress off in the dungeon. (I am not shy about walking around the dungeon in lingerie, so my protests were unconvincing. I soon had her fastening the back straps of my garter belt. They are so damn fiddly and I am not a patient newbie.) Last time we played, R. plunged me into a submissive state and proceeded to leash me, parade me around, cane me and caress me. Last night was no romp and no blissful humiliation. I burst out crying when R. had me on the St. Andrews cross. She was hitting my breasts and my nipples over and over again with a riding crop. Hard. She stopped to ask me if I believed I deserved this. That’s what set me off. I didn’t cry because I felt innocent and wrongly punished. (I never feel guilt, by the way, only shame. As I said in another post, guilt is for those who do wrong. Shame for those who are wrong through and through.) I cried because I feel that I don’t deserve anything. She asked if I meant good things as well as bad and I nodded yes. I feel that I don’t deserve anything good. Among the good: believing her when she tells me that I look pretty when I’m cuffed to the cross, afraid and crying out in pain.
vulpinetta I have trouble feeling pretty. Especially when I want other people in the dungeon to think that I am. When I’m playing in public, part of my suffering—although not the most acute part—is knowing that people are judging whether or not I’m a “good bottom.” And whether or not they would like to play with me or get to know me. (Being a good bottom seems to involve taking a lot of pain without reacting. I’m a yelper.) I’d cried for a while and suffered some hard blows to my breasts before R. turned me around. A few strokes with the crop convinced me that I could not tolerate any more pain play. R. freed me and took me to the couch, placing one of the big plush royal purple pillows at her feet so that I could kneel in front of her, still cuffed and leashed and still bawling. She started to stroke my face and I was instantly terrified she was going to slap me. Tilt. What’s worse than not feeling deserving and pretty? Fearing that a caress will turn into a slap when I’d already had enough and needed comfort. R. asked me what I was feeling when she saw the fear in my face, and I told her. She assured me that I was in a safe space and freed me from my bonds. She also invited me to sit next to her, but I declined and stayed on my knees till I calmed down, gradually convincing my body to relax. It was a hard scene. Did I say that already? And I was disturbed when I got home. But my home, or rather, being alone at home, is real safety. Within an hour I felt elated and aware of the strength it took to take both the pain and the turmoil over one of my worst fundamental beliefs: that I am undeserving. I’ve been angry and discouraged for weeks because of a career setback—a betrayal, really, and one that is completely unDESERVED—and when I woke this morning I felt as though R. and I had hit my reset button. But the reality of the day ahead looms. I face the semester-end challenge of getting back to the research and writing my university will not support with a sabbatical. At least I can say that writing this post, which someone may read, has been a worthwhile delay.

Credits
+ Lamb. Wolf – Ombre (at the Arcade)
*EH- Bow Top – white (bow) (part of a gift sent to members of the Maitreya Lara group)
Maitreya, Lara Mesh Body – V3.4
NEW g.id, Trauma body tatoo (with appliers and tat layers, with options of with and witthout cuts) (at Punky Bish event)
White Widow, Tesis tattoo in white
# 7, D I S C O V E R Y, Mustache your lips (creator Shortcake Sugarplum, may not be available)
-Glam Affair – Amberly II – Polar – Red Ice (old gift) I discovered that Birdy’s Milk tone is a good match for Polar, which is not part of the Lara HUD.
MONS / Giftmas Day 2 (bindi) (part of the advent calendar; group join is free)
Pure Poison – Lucretia Sandals – Black –
Dead Dolls, Maitreya Rococo – Panties – Pink (previous gacha: bought this on Marketplace)
Glitterati, Shuttered pose prop
{S0NG} :: Cupid~ Blue Eye

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