Kinky photo fiasco

leashedforreleaseWhen I saw the photos my play partner took of me, I was stunned by how ugly I looked. At first I conceded that two were okay for posting on FetLife, but I changed my mind as soon as I saw them online. I felt humiliated (in a bad way) by the public exposure of my lumpy body and homely face and by my awkward and lazy rope-bound posing. In the last few months, my top’s primary partner has been falling in love with an idiot and has taken on idiocy as a lifestyle, so he’s feeling vulnerable. Taking the pics was his way of getting back some rigging confidence and exercising creative impulses that he’s had little time to indulge because of a stressful job. We talked about our mutual disappointment when I asked him to remove the photos. But our feelings of inadequacy and fears of rejection take different forms, so we don’t really understand each other. I asked if he would Photoshop one of the pictures we shot to improve my looks, and he said he doesn’t do any manipulation because he wants the raw experience and emotion to show. (I was certainly emotional because he was hitting me while we shot. Turns out my chin quivers in a particularly unphotogenic way.) At first I thought we could try again, covering my whale belly with rope to distract from the blubber and not shooting my squirrel-cheeked face. But given the intensity of my panicky reaction to the first set of pictures, I doubt that I would ever feel good about any pictures of me. I can get naked in the dungeon and know that I might not be appealing to people around me. But I’m too involved with my partner to notice other people’s judging eyes. (The kink scene is neither liberal nor liberated.The narrow focus on the BDS and M means that evaluation is highly concentrated and thus more exacting.) More significantly, when I play I’m not making a claim to being a photo-worthy subject, so my physical defects don’t matter as much. To pose for photos is to propose openly that I am attractive enough to repay perving. It’s a form of hubris.
kitten, hold the whip I couldn’t have anticipated my reaction. I honestly didn’t think I’d look so hideous, partly because the internet is not exclusively populated by photos of young skinny girls in rope. There are sexy pics of women who are older and bigger, but the best of those use flattering lighting or natural light that bathes the whole body. The lighting my top used was harsh. The angles make me look awkward and the highlights and shadows fall haphazardly on my body. There was no way of avoiding this. We were so in the moment. He was shooting frame after frame very quickly. I couldn’t see where he was standing, or where the light was, because I was blindfolded. I haven’t shared this criticism with my top, and I won’t unless we find ourselves thinking about trying again. I can imagine working on one or two poses and getting the lighting right so that my body can carry the strain and beauty of rope without looking unequal to it and without looking defeated by the demands of photographs. We may be able to negotiate something or we may take a lesson from polyamory and agree that our photographic needs can be met only by others.

..::PaperDoll’s::.. Leash tits [Black] (NEW at Kink Monthly) [Love these. Tug tug.]
[theSkinnery] Sona eye collection – 8 (NEW at Chapter Four)
Analog Dog [aka AD] – Delta – SPLASH pack (NEW)
..DirtyStories. Diamond Chest Heart
SIIX//Chrome Lingirie // Black
Maitreya Lara Mesh Body
MONS / MESH – Septum Rings (style23)
poses both pics: W. Winx and Flair, Temptation Lounge
The following are past gachas I bought on Marketplace:
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Arm/Gloves -Maitreya
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Leg Belt (Black)-Maitreya
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Long Boots (Black)-Maitreya
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 02 A

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