BDSM isn’t sex, but it is

thisistheendTwo posts ago I wrote about being dumped by my top. I said I would try to write about the problem of sexual reciprocity. Follow me under the cut. The beginning of the end was my insistence that we negotiate fully before playing. I wanted a very specific type of rough body play, and I wanted to discuss how he wanted to position me. He was half cooperating when he said  “at least a handjob or something.” This, he informed me, in what might have been a joke, was so he didn’t have to go through a whole bottle of lube when he got home. I couldn’t have been more shocked. Previously, when I asked what his D/s fantasies were, he said that they all involve his penis.We had established a hard limit on sex at the outset and I reaffirmed it. He added that he had anyways fulfilled most of his fantasies with other people. I knew he’d played with women with whom he didn’t have sex, so it didn’t occur to me that sex was going to be an issue. For me, the hard limit never softened during the year we played. I did not come to desire him as I got to know him. And he didn’t show any sign of desiring me. So the night he said he’d like a handjob, I was flabbergasted and then devastated. My first reaction, which I shared with him, was despair at not being able to give him what he wants. That should have been his cue to say he enjoys our scenes and getting off doesn’t matter. But he missed the cue, and I felt a solid steel wall slam down in front of me, just inches from my nose. I took it as a sign that there was no way of getting past this, and yet I persevered. I had told him many times that I rarely desire anyone and that I don’t want to have sexual relations with anybody. And yet here he was saying he’d like a hand job. My second reaction to this was one I didn’t share with him. I couldn’t believe that he was asking me to jerk him off in the absence of desire on either side. When he asked for a hand job, it felt to me that he was saying “Since you won’t give me what I want, fucking, and yet you insist on stripping down and asking me to tie you and flog you, getting me off is the least you could do.”
longlook We talked things over a few days later. In this conversation he said that, against his better judgment, a recent scene had become sexual, and he wanted to establish a new hard limit so that the same thing didn’t happen with us. “I keep saying no to people,” he stated, “and they don’t respect that.” WTF? I should have asked if he has a twin and then tried to work out which one wanted the handjob and which one wanted to abstain from sex. The evil one? The good one? Or the confused one? (Uh oh—that’s triplets.) The “new” hard limit was one we’d established early on in our relationship: “no penetration” of my holes with dildo, fingers, cock, carrot, what have you. To me this was the equivalent of saying no fucking me with anything, no attempts to get me off, and no insistence that you have to get off sexually. I stated clearly that I would respect the new limit, but I found myself accused of violating it a week later when he insisted that he had said “no insertions,”  not no penetration. This disqualified the bullet vibe I had planned to use when we played that night. When I say I was accused, I don’t mean that he got angry. I mean that it took me twenty minutes to explain to him why I misunderstood. There was no way I could say that no insertions was not the term he’d used the previous week. That would have sent him running. So instead I talked confidently with him about the implications of the no insertions version of the limit, only to discover that we have conflicting ideas about the sexual aspects of our play. To me it’s sex when he applies the Hitachi to my pussy, especially when he ties a harness to hold it in place. To him it’s sex when there’s a mini vibe in my vulva. The Hitachi makes me wet and hard. The bullet vibe has almost no effect. (Using it is mostly an act of wishful thinking.) He explained that using the Hitachi was not sexual because he could control it. He could take it away when he wanted to. This was a red flag. I’d always had a problem with his style of taking something away because I experienced it as mean-spirited withholding. He called it teasing, but teasing implies that the top does want to see his bottom enjoy pleasure, and will eventually engage fully with her, but not until she’s gaga for it. Withholding, by contrast, means that the top has no intention of pleasing his partner, not even as a reward for good behaviour. The situation we were in felt overwhelming. I sobbed like a monsoon. The wall crashed down in front of me again. I recognized that this disagreement about sexy stuff could rule out the play I had requested the night I insisted that we negotiate fully. I told him I wanted breast/nipple torture and pussy slapping. He seemed to enjoy this rough play when we first started scening, but then he transitioned into using floggers and the dragon tail on the less arousable parts of my body. What if he decided that touching these parts of my body was also sex and would have to be subject to his strict control? Refusing to negotiate meant that he would never have to consent to the rough play and agree to do it. That meant he would simply not do what I wanted to do in scene if he didn’t feel like doing it. I kept thinking “This is a deal breaker, but it shouldn’t be. I don’t believe in deal breakers. I can’t reduce what two people do into making a deal. How did we get here?” In the end I told him I couldn’t play with him that night. He’d gruffly ruled out a number of other things that I suggested we do, in the process telling me that he doesn’t like gags and only uses them because I like gags. There was no hint of affection as he said this, no sign of pleasure in generosity or in witnessing my pleasure. It was pure impatience. It seemed he felt that he’d already been hard done by and was not about to concede anything else.
lean sloth This brings us back to the handjob. In retrospect, it seems to me that the handjob came up that night because for the first time I was stating explicitly what I wanted to do instead of hoping that the sexy and playful things I said would inspire my top. Saying he wanted a handjob was his way of pushing back against my requests, which he must have experienced as demeaning—as demands that reduced him to a service top. He responded by reducing me to a service bottom, requiring not that I desire him and want to give him pleasure but that I finish him off so that he gets his due. He knows that I can’t have an orgasm when I’m having sex or when I’m scening: I can’t come with a partner, and I prefer not to try. Besides, I can get out the Hitachi and the porn and have all the orgasms I want when I’m on my own. For me, BDSM is preferable to sex because it’s not about coming. Not even afterwards—I never jerk off thinking about our scenes. Unfortunately, my top (like many other people) associates BDSM and sex, and thus links scening with coming. And that plunged us into the patriarchal nightmare of managing sexual reciprocity. In this scenario, the fact that I am not going to have an orgasm during a scene (or afterwards by remembering it) does not mean that it’s appropriate for him to forego coming. The first unspoken rule seems to be that a woman is simply out of luck if she fails to come during stimulation. Her partner did the work; she just didn’t capitalize on it. Now it’s his turn to cash in. A man can almost always come, and usually he comes with little effort. This is why, in our society, a handjob is nothing more than a job: it requires so little physical and emotional engagement from his partner that it’s no more significant than populating a spreadsheet with data. The man just needs to be relieved of the pent-up sexual energy, which he can’t be held responsible for creating in the first place. The second unspoken rule seems to be that a handjob is meagre compensation from a partner who has said no to fucking. Here, fucking is the only act that qualifies as actual sex. The handjob is so far divorced from the real thing, the fucking-that-is-sex, that a man would never see it as something that obliged him to reciprocate, or that he might forego in favor of finding pleasure elsewhere in play, as his partner would prefer to do. He agreed with me when one day I said that play was not about coming, that it wasn’t like sex, that it was about experiencing an altered state. Alas his penis had different ideas, and it messed with both our heads.

Credits
*MC* [aka Mon Cheri] Reverie Lingerie Sand-Black (contains Lara, Freya, Isis and Physique fits and includes a black stockings option)
S&P, Avery set (collar and cuffs can be bought separately) (This is a beautiful, up to date RLV set. I like the hogtie poses in particular. There are also options for type of chains.)
[e] Lillian essentials pack
Pure Poison – Daria Pumps – Maitreya
White Widow, Elektra (past gift, We <3 RP)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 02 A (past gacha)
{S0NG} :: Chibi~ Abyss Eye
prop: Somali-GDGD sofa 6 (Past gacha: wow, there are only a few on Marketplace and the 349L price tag is outrageous; check the shop and yard sales in world. Two people can sit on the couch at once so the poses interact.)
pose pic two: Marukin, from Candie pack

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “BDSM isn’t sex, but it is

  1. I stumbled across this post and then read the prior post about the ending of your relationship with your top. I’m fascinated by your distinctions and preferences and the dynamic that you shared. I have to admit, I don’t fully understand it, as it is so far removed from my own personal experience, but I would love to dive into your head and experience your perspective, to wrap my head around it. I hope that you’ll continue to share your thoughts.

    When I’m at the computer, I plan to revisit these posts and give them further thought and response. Thank you for sharing your experience. :)

    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I wrote several posts over the past year about our relationship and how we played in the dungeon. So there’s more for you to read if you want to explore more.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s