Did I just play with an asshole?

havingflownout My last post told the story of my afternoon as a demo bottom for a rope class. I ended the post on a high note, knowing that I would have to write another post to talk about the lousy aftermath. As soon as we’d finished class, I told my top how much I’d enjoyed it and how impressed I was that he was a careful teacher. He said nothing positive in return. He said nothing during aftercare. He said nothing when we parted, not even thank you. I was in a very good mood, and I told myself that I wasn’t going to let his being an ungenerous idiot ruin my experience. How did I know he was an ungenerous idiot? I knew because he had said something immediately after class, something I asked him to repeat because I couldn’t believe how rude it was. “You did everything right,” he said, “but what you did is really hard to fuck up.” While we were stretched out together for aftercare he stated “All a bottom has to do is be vulnerable.” I was aghast. He might as well have said that all a woman has to do is close her eyes and think of England. I pushed back calmly, saying that this sounded like typical top rhetoric about (inevitably male) riggers having “hard skills” and (inevitably female) rope bunnies having “soft skills.” He did not recant. Nor did he elaborate. Tops are assholes, I thought to myself as I went home. Why did I think he would be different?
garejacksboroallume I didn’t have to suffer drop the next day to find myself in a funk. When he checked in by text to ask me how I was doing, I replied: “Confused why you followed our class by insisting that bottoms do nothing other than be vulnerable. Nonplussed is the word.” He replied that he was sorry if he caused offense, but he’d stated that in response to a concern I’d shared about our experience in a private class at Shibaricon, which was the first time we tied. I thought I’d fucked up the last move in the sequence we did. He texted that when he said bottoms only have to be vulnerable he was backing up his supposedly reassuring explanation that it’s always the top’s fault if anything goes wrong. This response did not inspire me to communicate further. I went to bed feeling numb, with nothing to say, partly because my experience has been that men don’t want to talk things out. Not with women who don’t matter. How could I matter? I’m just a bottom.The following morning he needed to talk. Turns out he didn’t sleep all night. Because I hadn’t gotten back to him. He lay awake thinking I believe he’s an asshole. And thinking he must be an asshole. “You didn’t thank me for Saturday,” I said. “You showed no appreciation for what I brought to the class.” He claimed he had thanked me, and that I must not have heard him. This was not the case, because, like many bottoms, I was waiting for some kind of recognition of my skills, of my energy, of my care, and I was acutely aware he’d shown none. But because he was hysterical about feeling like an asshole, and because he’d declared that he didn’t feel safe playing with me, I could not contradict his claim. I told him that if I thought he was an asshole I’d say so, because I’m not a word mincer. This did not console him. So I assumed he was in no shape to tell me then and there, on the phone, that I was an excellent partner, that he had enjoyed himself, that we worked beautifully together and should tie again. If he’d said it the day of the class, why couldn’t he take a moment to say it again? Maybe because he is actually an asshole.
rads In the conversation that followed, he explained that when we check in on the day after we play, he needs to know that he’s not evil. I’ve heard that some tops need this reassurance, but no one I’ve played with till now asked for it. I said I would be happy to tell him he’s not evil. Why wouldn’t I? He’s a sadist and an idiot and a narcissist, and quite possibly an asshole, but he’s not evil. I didn’t, however, tell him what I need. I need my partner to tell me that I was wonderful as soon as our butts hit the aftercare couch, maybe sooner. I needed the narcissistic idiot to affirm my bottoming when we finished class. And if he was too mean toppy to do that right away, then I needed him to do so the next day when we texted, or the day after on the phone. If I didn’t ask for what I needed on the phone, it was because I assumed his silence meant that I was a bad bottom. If I didn’t ask for what I needed on the phone, it was because I think praise should be natural and spontaneous, as it is when I praise my top. If I didn’t ask for what I needed on the phone, it was because I didn’t know I had the right to ask. And I didn’t even suspect that I needed it.
brightbeeIn my last relationship, I felt that I couldn’t ask for appreciation because I didn’t think it was fair to ask anyone to lie. If my rigger didn’t enjoy me, why should he say he did? I’d had scenes with him that disappointed me, and although I never failed to thank him and hug him, I wasn’t effusive in the way I had been after our fantastic earlier scenes, before we got into a rut. And I believed that he shouldn’t have to pretend he enjoyed himself if he didn’t enjoy himself. In my current situation, I can’t let that scruple get in the way of what I need, because this new guy thinks his role is to evaluate me: “You did everything right, but but what you did is really hard to fuck up.” Evaluation during aftercare demeans and diminishes me as a partner. It’s devastating when I have just pushed myself to surrender as much of my body and mind as I can, in as many ways I can find. As a bottom I am not just vulnerable: I am a playground of vulnerability. And I will that vulnerability into a playable form by making decisions. Even when I’m trancing out, I am deciding from moment to moment what feelings to act on, what physical impulses to indulge. The night I blew my partner a raspberry, it was because I decided that spitting at him could end the scene before we were ready and hurt him psychologically. I felt how much I cared for him at the moment I made that decision. That feeling guided me, but it was also a reward, a lovely dip into affection. I assume that this new guy underestimates a bottom’s contribution to a scene, which is particularly pathetic because he bottoms too! He’s a hypercritical sadist, idiot and narcissist, and probably loathes himself. I can relate to the loathing, and I assume that like me, he confronts and succeeds in overcoming it, even if only for a few minutes, when he plays. If he can’t match his negative traits with empathy for me, the partner without whom he cannot even begin to feel pleasure in play, whether that’s laughing along with me or testing our tender parts with an eye to surviving, then he really is an asshole.

NEW r2 A/D/E hakuya liquid black[Maitreya] (at Collabor88 but not for long) this is the jacket
NEW r2 A/D/E hakuya boots black[maitreya] (at Collabor88 but not for long)
NEWISH .Shi : Ethereal . Mono Pack, includes scepter add-on
NEW .Shi : Leather Ring . L (current VIP gift, adapts to shape of various mesh hands but still needs to be sized and such)
.Shi : Mermaid Earring {Sombre.
NEW Pichi, If You Like tattoo (at The Dressing Room) This is the tat with the bee and tigers.
NEW [TWC] Possessed Body tat Rare (at Ubune market)
CURELESS [+] Himura Fresh Scar
NEW :CurelessAmore: / Surrealisme / L’Innocent / NOIR [mouthpiece with butterfly add-on] (current gacha, bought on Marketplace)
NEW CURELESS [+] The Seventh Eye / FOREHEAD / BLACK, comes with blood scars
the modesty set in picture one and the panties in pics two and three are by MetaTheodora and not available-Glam Affair – Eles Asia 04 NB (past gacha possibly?)
.Birdy. {Liner} 5 (in a pack)
.Birdy. Simple eyeliner (comes with skins)
::dUTCH tOUCH:: ::MakeUP:: EyeLashes plus Kohl (not available)
antielle. Coagulated Lips (past gacha)
.Birdy. Red (Scar) Porcelaine (not available)
Clemmm – ReSnick eyes .black sclera.
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
shot at Jackboro Hangar

Advertisements

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s