Constantly tested

preparedI’ve been gone for a while. I kept wondering if I was coming back. I’m not sure that I am back. I had two Hallowe’en outfits to blog, but life got in the way, and then I felt no interest in SL. Truth be told this has partly to do with the fact that I now need to use a mouse with my laptop and don’t want to sit at a desk to recreate after sitting at a desk to work.
thebrighthatemathI went without a partner to Ropecraft in New Orleans the first weekend of November. The weekend prior, I traveled on business and cared not a whit for my presentation. I could think only about meeting people in the city’s rope community. I met some lovely women who run a dojo, and I tied with a man who was recommended to me. That was weird, because he and I scened while his friends sat in the living room right next to the tripod. This is a common pastime, I know, but I was too flummoxed to ask that we negotiate beyond what we discussed online. I don’t know what sent me into “I hate you” mode. All I know is that when he looked into my eyes—something we had negotiated for—I looked at him with my suffering face and then looked away. Unlike the eye contact I’d relished with the man I met earlier this fall, ours was no experience of beautiful connection. I was suffering, and that’s my jam. I don’t know if he was okay with that. He tried to take off the rope gag I was wearing, perhaps because he wanted to check in. I’ll never know if that was his intention, because we didn’t do aftercare (his partner was there and that made me feel like I shouldn’t ask for cuddles), and he ignored the FetLife message I sent to assure him that nothing had gone wrong for me in the scene. The night we played, I was not ready to give up the gag, so I took hold of one of the last wraps of rope with my teeth. His response to this was to grab my hair tight and shake my head, tie the rope very quickly and tightly around my mouth, and then grab and shake again. This in an otherwise mild scene. It was as though he lost his temper, and it was hella hot for me. Since I didn’t have a chance to talk to him about it, I feel guilty for holding onto the rope, which he may have misunderstood as bratting. And I worry that I hurt him somehow. In a better world, it would be possible to discuss that, but as I said he didn’t check in the day after or respond to my message, and I’ve learned the painful lesson of having to let go of people who don’t communicate. Rope people extol the astonishing intimacy one can experience in rope with someone who is not a close partner, who may indeed be a stranger. They don’t, however, acknowledge the also astonishing post-play, post-euphoria disconnection. The realization that you no longer feel close to the person you just flew with makes pickup play feel like a one-night stand. It’s pleasure but it’s not personal. It should end as scheduled, and it should not expand into anything informal or spontaneous. Something as simple as going for coffee the next day defeats the purpose of doing arousing and emotional but “inauthentic” scenes. Inauthentic in the sense that it’s role play. Rope top and rope bottom are parts that we play in a ritually structured encounter. A scene is a theatrical performance. The curtain falls. Each actor takes off their fake beard or falsies and goes home. (Too bad I know this but don’t believe it to be true! As people say about relationships in SL, the platform is a game but the feelings are real, and that’s fucking confusing.)
croppedbrightyesbuttI’ve had quite a few disappointments this fall with play dates falling through and initial meetings not developing into anything more. And yet I continue to try to find partners, and I’ve let myself continue to imagine all the nasty things I could do if I found “the one.” I seem to have run through the possibilities in the local community; and traveling to another distant community is not a good way to establish anything other than friendship. I had some success with just talking to rope tops rather than playing, and I have realized that my network is going to be made up mostly of fellow bottoms. Given that I freaked out during a pickup scene at Ropecraft and had to call it off, it may be just as well that I am willing to accept some of the limitations and slow down. On the other hand, I am speeding up in the sense that I have started to tell people that I am looking for other types of play. Trying to find a rope partner with whom I can go beyond pickup play or relatively safe scenes feels like looking for a four-leaf clover in an Africa-sized field.  I was going to delete my FetLife profile and announce that I officially quit rope, but I managed to talk myself out of that on the principle that I was being self-destructive. After feeling miserable at being alone at Ropecraft and here in the city, I started to feel miserable that there’s an intensive coming up with an amazing female rigger and I have no partner. It took me a while, but I finally got the courage to ask if I could attend alone. (It helped that my ex is running the event.) Please picture me next weekend only sitting and only observing ten couples do twelve hours of rope. I expect to feel humiliated and, I hope, empowered at the same time. I’m going to feel sad for my body and soul, but at least my brain will be stimulated. And I will once more be bravely refusing to follow the pattern of my lifetime, to hide from a world I don’t fit into because I’m single, and to stay home blogging and pouting by turns.

Credits
ieQED oakley.chain.harness.copper, which comes with panties
N-core BALLET “Black” for Maitreya Lara
Zibska, Arithmaphobia tattoo (comes with orbits)
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 01 NB (old gacha I think)
:::Sn@tch Full Face Blush (Light):::
.random.Matter. – Misery Brows
NOX. Smudged Mascara [Black]
[ContraptioN] Pseudo Cogitatione Bloody Tattoo [old gift]
Ama. : Loved Choker : Black/Copper
S&P, Cuff Avery
[RA] aka Runaway, Oni Hair Fades (can be worn without horns)
::: B@R ::: Sealed School Satchel [old gift awarded randomly to shoppers]
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
{S0NG} :: Lyn~ Teal Eye
#adored – kit lashes
Glitterati, Schooled prop (comes with blackboard, offers poses for individuals, couples and friends, and is available on Marketplace)

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