In a rope class, I topped a guy, a small quiet guy who I didn’t know, although I’d seen him around, bottoming for other women. What was I doing, topping a strange bottom?I recall him telling me two things: that he’d been in the scene for 9 months and had stumbled into it when he started dating after the end of his marriage. A day after the class, I translated this into “he’s inexperienced and vulnerable.” I ran through all the reasons I wouldn’t ask to top him again. I didn’t find him sexually attractive. Being in the scene has inspired me to follow my desire for “masculine” men. Big ones, preferably with largish personalities. Besides, I don’t want to tie men. Unless they are at least medium size, reasonably confident and playful. Unless they’re a switch and start by topping me. I would enjoy teasing someone into submitting to me. I would use words more than rope if I were topping someone I desired. I can think of dozens of deliciously cruel things to say to a man I have in my power. I need to think of dozens because I anticipate, I long for, resistance. Topping that guy in class, seeing and feeling him roll over into ropespace, offering no resistance, made me nervous. I started thinking that way. That way that I hate. I started thinking the way a heterosexual man thinks about sex with women. And, I suspect, the way het male tops think about het female bottoms. It took a session with my therapist to chase down the man-thoughts tip-toeing around in my head. I offer them here for your entertainment and edification. (The rest is hidden, so hidden, so deep deep deeply hidden, under the cut, but it’s not because the breasts are any bigger than usual. It’s because the manster wheel is obscene.)
When I was tying the small guy in class, I resented the fact that he was having the experience that I want to have. Since then the man part of me has been thinking “I don’t want to give pleasure. I want to get it. And if I don’t get it, I don’t see why he should.” (This is the “If you’re not going down on me, I don’t have to go down on you” principle. Young folk, be advised that it starves relationships.) It didn’t take long for me to hop onto the manster wheel: What if this guy wants something from me? I don’t want to be beholden to him just because we had that brief experience and he liked it. It wasn’t that good for me. I don’t want him to mistake what we did for intimacy. He needs to know it’s just a thing we did, and if it felt good that’s because rope feels good. We could have been any two people tying. His lack of confidence is a bad sign: he sent me a friend request on Fet the morning after we tied and thought he had to remind me who he was. That’s just sad, or weird. It doesn’t matter which. I don’t want to have to take care of him. I’m going to ghost or gag him on Fet. Ah well, live and learn.
I’m astonished and ashamed that I went so deep into man-think.* But the experience has helped me to understand why tops I’ve just met might be nervous about doing classes with me. And why they might be ambivalent about playing with me after we’ve partnered successfully in a class. Keep in mind that I am almost always the one who seeks out a top for class. And I have always been the one who asks afterwards if they’d like to play. There I am, a strange bottom. Maybe strange in more ways than one. I have expressed two wants: I’d like you to be my partner for class; I’d like you to be my partner for play. Wants can be mistaken for needs. Strange bottom that I am, I have broken the rule to wait and be the askee, not the asker. And that makes needs into neediness (as the insane troll logic goes). But I think there’s more here than fear of a clingy bottom. I think there’s some kind of resentment involved. If I ask a top to play, I am anticipating that I will experience pleasure in our scene. The top didn’t ask me to pair up for class. S/he didn’t ask me to play. If I’m a top and I don’t anticipate enjoying playing with a strange bottom, why would I want to give that bottom the pleasure she is seeking in a scene with me? That would make me a service top. So now it all makes sense. The put-upon service top isn’t just insulted by a bottom who won’t “let go of control” over the scene. The service top is resentful of the pleasure a bottom asks for or expects to have or actually has during a scene. I need to find the pleasure in topping if I’m going to continue because resentment, of male pleasure in particular, is my wheel. I bet you your best cock cage that if I go on like this, I’m going to go off about being reduced to a service top.
*Truthfully, I am perversely proud of this. I finally got to be the paranoid scaredy-cat instead of the wounded scaredy-mouse.
!dM Kinbaku – Lara ShibariBody **CANDYCANE** (Xmas gift in store, comes with a peppermint green version)
:: PM :: Plaid & Wool Hat -red- (advent gift)
Blueberry – Jolly Holidays – Unisex Antlers (group gift)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
CURELESS [+] Carved Cherry Blooms / LIGHT
ama. smacked ass tattoo
poses: ama. and nais, – Cuffed pack [comes with cuffs] (past Romp)
shot at Ethereal City