Sensei cliché

bendysensei Portia is always bodacious. That can be exhausting. I needed to do demure tonight, so I pulled skinny Anorak out of the sandbox. I liked the school uniform by Me Sew Sexy at Sanarae: the big shoulder ruffles are as function-free as tailfins on a Cadillac. I stumbled across Kibitz’s gorgeous bondage leathers gacha and departed from tried and true black for red (which I bought up on Marketplace). Then I decided that there aren’t enough female senseis in the world. At this point Anorak had turned into an ersatz Japanese wise-old-young-schoolgirl in bondage bliss, so I decided to adorn her hair with more random signifiers of Nipponeseness. (Of course that’s not a word.) If you venture beyond the cut you will find another shot of Lava’s Resort, which is hung with lovely drawings and photographs of roped women. And I’ll throw in a brief account of my odd adventures in subspace. Continue reading

Why I didn’t fight for us

rezdaylightTomorrow it will be three weeks since he ended our relationship in a snit of anger. My first top, my first rigger, gone. We were on the phone. I let him end it, didn’t protest it. “Why not?” I am asking myself now. Would things be different if I had told him we should talk it through when he was calmer? Prior to the phone call, we had had a number of extremely difficult conversations about play. In some of them I was alarmed, and one night I panicked, but I put the difficulty down to growing pains. His primary relationship (he’s poly) was falling apart, they agreed to take a break. He started to examine his life and decided he wanted to spend more time with me. As difficult as they were, our conversations were welcome because his self-examination was insightful, his self-expression so eloquent. I thought he was finally showing himself to me. I thought we were becoming more intimate. We were, and I couldn’t deal with what I found out.
I can’t speak for him. I can’t because he won’t talk to me, won’t text with me, won’t email me. I contact him every other day: I break down in a different way and try to convey to him how I feel and my need to talk to him. On Friday I sobbed into the phone, telling him that I feel abandoned and that I feel he wants me to think I’m a bad person. Today, the one-week anniversary of begging for exchange, I asked him if he would answer just one question: Did you really mean to end it when you ended it or were you just lashing out? I believe that we could have admitted that we aren’t compatible and split amicably. I also kind of believe that he made a fatal error and we should get back together. Which is an error of another colour.
scholarsn ightmareI’d been dissatisfied with the (handful of) scenes we’d done over the past four months, but it wasn’t until we had a sustained, seemingly affectionate and inspired, but ultimately fruitless, exchange of emails about future play possibilities that I realized the problem was not the scene itself. It was his need to control our interaction outside of the scene as well as inside it. This hadn’t been clear before now because our negotiations had been vague. When he opened up, I responded by asking that we negotiate fully. I started to tell him explicitly what I wanted. We emailed about what turned us on in non-sexual play. The exchange had wonderful positive moments, but in retrospect I realize that those were primarily affirmations of abstract principles of relationships rather than elements of our relationship.
I imagine that for some tops control means giving orders. For my top, control means saying no or withholding things. I discovered that he has four ways of saying no to my requests for scene activities. “I don’t play that way.” “That makes me a service top.” “I can’t pull [admired rigger] out of a hat.” “Don’t tell me to make you feel submissive.” That last one was hardest of all because, as I told him, he had done things in prior scenes that had made me feel submissive. “Put me in a submissive headspace” proved to be a more successful locution, but I could not see why it was necessary, and I could not understand why he refused to do what he had done before (hair pulling, leading me around the dungeon on a rope leash, pushing me into a squat or onto my knees at unexpected moments, nothing WEIRD). Although he said no to my requests in the emails, he did think about it and come through with some new possibilities for our next scene. Sadly, it was too late. By the time he brought them up, we had gone through an agonizing conversation. He freaked out before we could get to the dungeon: he believed I was planning to violate a new hard limit he had set. He trusted me so little that he would barely listen to me explain why I’d chosen one vibrator over another when packing toys for the scene. He was so upset that I couldn’t tell him that he had changed the limit since we’d agreed upon it the previous week, that he was now using a more expansive term, and that I sensed trouble ahead. Under the new term, I couldn’t use a bullet vibe, could only take pleasure when he offered it with the Hitachi, because that was a vibe that he would control. “What if I accidentally have an orgasm?” I asked. I can’t have an orgasm when anyone else is present in the room, so my impulse to ask that question demonstrates just how much the new limit threatened, in my mind at least, to lessen and eventually prohibit my sexual pleasure.
The conversation wound down and we left my place to go to the dungeon. But by the time we got to the curb he had set some kind of speed record in rejecting three more things I said I’d like to do. The certainty that had been building during the evening snapped into place. In a flood of tears and an avalanche of sobs, I told him I could not play with him that night. He was shocked and said nothing more than “okay,” and then, once I’d turned to enter my building, “I’ll wait for you to find your key.” I wanted him to embrace me, to help me sort out what was going wrong. But that doesn’t happen in real life. I tried to hug him goodnight but he returned my squeeze weakly. I will never forgive myself for freaking out. I should have stayed calm and suggested we go for a drink. I told him this when I realized it a week later. I don’t think he forgave me for walking away. I will never forget the shocked look on his ghost-white face, the look of a kid who has just been betrayed by his best friend. I wish I could tell him that I regret how much I hurt him that night. Even if he was being an asshole.
shuffle sad Things had been so fraught that when he got angry at me a couple of weeks later on the phone, it made no sense to ask him to think twice about ending it. And yet here I am today kicking myself for wanting too much too soon. I wanted our negotiation and play to change dramatically right away, just because I requested it. That was unrealistic. I myself had balked at the implications of the new wording of the limit, had resisted saying yes to it, because it compromised my sexual autonomy. This is something which a bottom typically surrenders during a scene. In theory I am willing to do it. But it’s clear to me that that is contingent on my top being willing to keep me aroused. I shouldn’t have waited so long to suggest we play differently, shouldn’t have stayed silent out of fear of offending him. I was new at this. He took pride in bringing me along slowly. I trusted him because of that. But my reluctance to spell out what I would like to do must have played into his need to control our relationship outside of play.
I also said a knee jerk NO when I rejected the submissive rituals he suggested because they were acts of service, and service is not what I mean by submission. (No one knows what anyone means by submission….) I told myself that I didn’t want to serve him by getting him water because I liked getting him water as a spontaneous act of care that I performed as my quotidian self, in my regular headspace, for his ordinary self, before scening. Truthfully, I didn’t like the idea of service because I associate it with those choking blow jobs I see in porn. Even a non-choking blow job is a hard limit for me, as is any kind of typical sexual activity. I believed that there is a difference between BDSM and sex and asserted that the former is erotic rather than sexual. It seems to me now that that was bullshit. And at this moment, in a new theory, my hundredth, I suspect that what wrecked us was an unwitting battle over sexual reciprocity. And that has always been a battle that I can’t win. Because I can’t come the way a man does. {More about that in BDSM isn’t sex, but it is.}

These photos were originally meant to complement my contribution to Strawberry Singh’s Yearbook Rez day challenge. See the collection of photos. See the challenge.
NEW All the Moon Elixir items are from Fantasy Gacha Carnival till June 7:
Moon Elixir – Coven – 10 – Maitreya – Bustier – Dusty Rose
Moon Elixir – Coven – 13 – Maitreya – Shorts – Dusty Rose
Moon Elixir – Coven – 20 – Maitreya – Boots – Dusty Rose
Moon Elixir – Coven – 7 – Maitreya – Arm Wraps – Dusty Rose
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
!dM MataHari – jewelPastie (add) **LOTUS** (past gacha)
*BOOM* The Illustrious Sproket Strand Rose Gold (not available)
MONS / MESH – Septum Rings (style23) rosegold
NEW Moon. Hair. // Tin Foiled II Hysteria pack
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 01 NB (past gacha)
Nox. Beauty Marks [Four]
[KOOQLA] Nico – beauty marks tattoo
.random.Matter. – Misery Brows (tintable)
{S0NG} :: Chibi~ Abyss Eye
pose prop: Glitterati, Schooled (on Marketplace)

This ain’t really alive

plaguedoctorandnurse Portia plays a retro very very bad bad nurse, as in naughty but also complicit, an allegory for the Reagan era. (Fashion details: Moon has done a Bettie Page tribute hairdo. Mad’s medical pasties are perfect, and most of them aren’t as over-the-top sexy as these. The pasties are your go-to replacement for that rare dress that you can’t win when you play Zenith’s medic gacha, which is brilliant.)
training day21st-century harried, and horrified nurse, a debtor pressed into service in one of the “caring professions” that attracts fewer and fewer people. Possibly because the job pays nothing to burn people out. By people I mean women, who do 80% of the care work in the west. (I never thought I’d get a chance to use Katatonik’s Plague Doctor gacha buddy. This critter waited patiently for a High Concept post. As you know, a clipboard is the universal sign of Thoughtful Insightful SL blog posts.)
killnotcure Donald Trump’s Neoliberalist fascisim triumphant. This is straight-up dystopian-future sci fi in lingerie, which is really about the now, people, not about the later. (I love Naminaeko’s Windlights. These are the first set of crazy colour lights I’ve been able to use on my retro MacBook. The peep-toes are an N Core group gift.)

Gil Scott Heron’s B Movie, 1981. This shit’s been going on for ages.

NEW Moon. Hair. // Tin Foiled II Hysteria pack (at No. 21)
NEW N-core KAREN “Black” for Maitreya High Feet (group gift)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
=Zenith=Medic Poison Belt (Black)(Maitreya) (pic 2)
=Zenith=Medic first aid Belt (Black)(Maitreya) (pic 3)
=Zenith=Medic gloves (Black)(Maitreya)
=Zenith=Patient Record board (pic 2)
+Spellbound+ Magical Pony Bit // Silver/Pitch
+Spellbound+ Magical Pony Harness – Heart // Silver/Pitch
Cheeky Amour, Valentines Necklace and lingerie (past Valentine’s gift)
Glitzz, Lovely Stocking (gorgeous open gift, LGBTQ pride rainbow on the back!)
Meva, Mask 2 (past Xmas gift; United Colors has something similar) (pic 3)
*S.E.* (creator Draconias Timeless), Vera Spiked Bat Bloody (pic 3)

NEW Yasum*Nose Piercing *Black* (gift at We <3 roleplay)
[CX] Tongue Trap Pierced (Onyx) (just yum)
.ARISE. Lip Drool (with resizer) [I edited this, moving it from the lips to the tip of the tongue] (last seen at Fi*Friday)
-[aka SU!] Suicidal Unborn!- Silent Eyes Haze (old gift)
-Glam Affair – Skye II – Jamaica 01 NB (not new)
NOX. Smut Lip [Red]
Nox. Beauty Marks [Four]
antielle. Smeared Makeup (Black Mascara)
.random.Matter. – Misery Brows

Katatonik, Plague Doctor (past gacha)

pose 1: ZZANG, Pin up Doll pack
pose 2: estetica, Pinup Pack
pose 3: Olive Juice, Gamer con pack (not available)

pic 3 Adorkable Poses, My Padded Room (n/a)
Doomed Ship Medical Bay

Well suited

frugging No, Anorak is not doing the frug. She’s skating, thanks to the magic of Alyx Aerallo’s Street Skater poses for Grafica. She’s wearing an adorable new leisure ensemble from R2 A/D/E for Collabor88. This month you can choose from three, rather than two, ways of flashing, or not flashing, or kindof flashing, your av’s nipples. There’s also a choice of shorts, transparent or opaque. Don’t think I’ve let you down by covering everything up… Continue reading

Tentacular powers

new cene “I also insist that we need a name for the dynamic ongoing sym-chthonic forces and powers of which people are a part, within which ongoingness is at stake. Maybe, but only maybe, and only with intense commitment and collaborative work and play with other terrans, flourishing for rich multispecies assemblages that include people will be possible. I am calling all this the Chthulucene—past, present, and to come. These real and possible timespaces are not named after SF writer H.P. Lovecraft’s misogynist racial-nightmare monster Cthulhu (note spelling difference), but rather after the diverse earth-wide tentacular powers and forces and collected things with names like Naga, Gaia, Tangaroa (burst from water-full Papa), Terra, Haniyasu-hime, Spider Woman, Pachamama, Oya, Gorgo, Raven, A’akuluujjusi, and many many more. ‘My’ Chthulucene, even burdened with its problematic Greek-ish tendrils, entangles myriad temporalities and spatialities and myriad intra-active entities-in-assemblages—including the more-than-human, other-than-human, inhuman, and human-as-humus. Even rendered in an American English-language text like this one, Naga, Gaia, Tangaroa, Medusa, Spider Woman, and all their kin are some of the many thousand names proper to a vein of SF that Lovecraft could not have imagined or embraced—namely, the webs of speculative fabulation, speculative feminism, science fiction, and scientific fact.”
Donna Haraway, “Anthropocene, Capitalocene, Plantationocene, Chthulucene: Making Kin,” 2015

Storybook – Chasm – Huntar – Mait/SlinkPhys/Isis/Venus (former Fantasy Faire donation item)
/Wasabi Pills/ Thyra Mesh Hair (former Fantasy Faire donation item)
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 01 (past gacha)
antielle. appetizer / bites and blood
antielle. Dissolved Tears (past gacha)
[theSkinnery] Huntress Markings – Eye Wound and Tired of Fighting
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
Izzie’s – Body & Face Waterdrops
Luas, Amor Cuff Anklet Golden
[theSkinnery] Sona eyes – 8
pose: Olive Juice, Defying Gravity pack n/a
shot at Innsmouth

Kasumi at Collabor88

spacedivasmAll you really need to know is that the metallic bra and u-string set is sold separately from the playsuit. That means you can combine colours—pink and gold or blue or black instead of pink and pink. It also means that your avi can wear the armored unmentionables without the vinyl suit. Most importantly, it means that your avi may be able to defeat an evil empire with peekaboo play, baring her breasts and bits like a latter-day Baubo.

NEW r2 A/D/E kasumi top[gold]Maitreya and r2 A/D/E kasumi under[gold]Maitreya: bra and panties sold together (at Collabor88)
NEW r2 A/D/E kasumi[pink2]Maitreya dress r2 A/D/E uruo heels[gold] (these only work with Slink feet)
Slink, Female Feet (AvEnhance) XXS – High
little bones. Hexxed (L) (gift)
NEW **RE** Bad-Kitty Cuff – Common – Brown (Epiphany gacha)
MONS / Giftmas Day 12 (bindi) (n/a)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 02 A (past gacha)
Inhale, Inspire tattoo unisex (group gift)
NEW [theSkinnery] Sona eyes – 8 (at Chapter Four April)
pose one: Nantra, Requiem pack [gun not included]
pose two: Del May, Mime Box (n/a)
shot on the Doomed Ship

Sway in the swarm

ushas wings Suspended awkwardly from her thighs and ankles, Portia is thrilled when licorice allsorts take to swarming around her body, until she realizes that she’s already got something in her mouth. Portia wears Zibska’s Usha, which comprises a headpiece and pieces for the upper and lower arms and hands. They can be copied, so there’s no reason not to bury your avi in baby blocks. The HUD allows you to change the colour of two separate batches of black-striped blocks and to blow them up or shrink them down.
twisting Surrealia Anatine of Stockholm & Lima has just released the RLV compatible Nightingale Cage at ROMP. There are perch, bondage and shibari options. (And probably sex. Sex shmex.) The shibari poses are animated (with a pleasing variety of head positions) so you can watch your bunny swing vigorously until she tosses her licorice allsorts. (Or use the slow motion option in the Developer menu of Firestorm.) There are fewer bars in the cage, and they disappear for some of the perch poses. This affords you the new thrill of snapping a picture of every inch of your imprisoned av, as opposed to the nipple or nose you can glimpse between the bars. As with previous Stockholm & Lima props, the dressing process, though streamlined in permission requests, is involved, and if you crash you have to start again. The leg straps are still too big, even though Portia is not a barely-thighed beauty, so I hope that there will be a resize option in the future.

Zibska, Usha (at We <3 Roleplay; ty Zib!)
[theSkinnery] Sona eyes (at Chapter Four)
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 02 NB
.random.Matter. – Misery Brows
~Tableau Vivant~ Curly hairbase (tintable)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5
creator unknown, BoltedXMetal v1.2 gag (As usual I don’t recall where I got this, though I thought it was Marketplace. I know I didn’t pay for it.)
shot at The Bower, Hollowtree

Kinky photo fiasco

leashedforreleaseWhen I saw the photos my play partner took of me, I was stunned by how ugly I looked. At first I conceded that two were okay for posting on FetLife, but I changed my mind as soon as I saw them online. I felt humiliated (in a bad way) by the public exposure of my lumpy body and homely face and by my awkward and lazy rope-bound posing. In the last few months, my top’s primary partner has been falling in love with an idiot and has taken on idiocy as a lifestyle, so he’s feeling vulnerable. Taking the pics was his way of getting back some rigging confidence and exercising creative impulses that he’s had little time to indulge because of a stressful job. We talked about our mutual disappointment when I asked him to remove the photos. But our feelings of inadequacy and fears of rejection take different forms, so we don’t really understand each other. I asked if he would Photoshop one of the pictures we shot to improve my looks, and he said he doesn’t do any manipulation because he wants the raw experience and emotion to show. (I was certainly emotional because he was hitting me while we shot. Turns out my chin quivers in a particularly unphotogenic way.) At first I thought we could try again, covering my whale belly with rope to distract from the blubber and not shooting my squirrel-cheeked face. But given the intensity of my panicky reaction to the first set of pictures, I doubt that I would ever feel good about any pictures of me. I can get naked in the dungeon and know that I might not be appealing to people around me. But I’m too involved with my partner to notice other people’s judging eyes. (The kink scene is neither liberal nor liberated.The narrow focus on the BDS and M means that evaluation is highly concentrated and thus more exacting.) More significantly, when I play I’m not making a claim to being a photo-worthy subject, so my physical defects don’t matter as much. To pose for photos is to propose openly that I am attractive enough to repay perving. It’s a form of hubris.
kitten, hold the whip I couldn’t have anticipated my reaction. I honestly didn’t think I’d look so hideous, partly because the internet is not exclusively populated by photos of young skinny girls in rope. There are sexy pics of women who are older and bigger, but the best of those use flattering lighting or natural light that bathes the whole body. The lighting my top used was harsh. The angles make me look awkward and the highlights and shadows fall haphazardly on my body. There was no way of avoiding this. We were so in the moment. He was shooting frame after frame very quickly. I couldn’t see where he was standing, or where the light was, because I was blindfolded. I haven’t shared this criticism with my top, and I won’t unless we find ourselves thinking about trying again. I can imagine working on one or two poses and getting the lighting right so that my body can carry the strain and beauty of rope without looking unequal to it and without looking defeated by the demands of photographs. We may be able to negotiate something or we may take a lesson from polyamory and agree that our photographic needs can be met only by others.

..::PaperDoll’s::.. Leash tits [Black] (NEW at Kink Monthly) [Love these. Tug tug.]
[theSkinnery] Sona eye collection – 8 (NEW at Chapter Four)
Analog Dog [aka AD] – Delta – SPLASH pack (NEW)
..DirtyStories. Diamond Chest Heart
SIIX//Chrome Lingirie // Black
Maitreya Lara Mesh Body
MONS / MESH – Septum Rings (style23)
poses both pics: W. Winx and Flair, Temptation Lounge
The following are past gachas I bought on Marketplace:
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Arm/Gloves -Maitreya
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Leg Belt (Black)-Maitreya
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Long Boots (Black)-Maitreya
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 02 A


swornI missed out on buying elikatira’s Stella hairstyle at the last Hair Fair and have been frequenting the shop in the hope that it would magically appear. And it did. I knew I couldn’t do justice to this phenomenal flip by dressing Portia in a pantsuit or by draping her in lame. Then it came to me. This is how Joan of Arc would have done her hair if those bastards hadn’t burnt her at the stake. (And some nun had already invented hairspray.)
chainedheat It just so happened that I saw Joan in elikatira’s hair the same day that I informed my rope bondage partner that he shouldn’t mess with me because I am descended from Vikings (on my Irish mother’s side). Eureka! Or whatever Vikings say. I dug out ye olde gacha Gudrun outfit by !Go! and headed Norse. (Do I need to add that he didn’t stop messing with me?) Continue reading