I’m marking Pride month with every celebratory heart in my inventory. Pride has expanded beyond the gay male community to represent multiple gender and sexual communities. This year I learned that the kink community is not friendly to asexuals. It’s great to see virtual rope classes that are dedicated to “LGBTQ” students. But where does that leave the I and the A students? The online asexual munch listed on FetLife consistently drew only two or three RSVPs. A recent Dating Kinky event on asexuality was canceled and has not been rescheduled. I like to joke that an asexual event will only work if it’s geared towards their allies. If the allies show up a few of us ace-types can sneak in. Read “Making Space for Ace (Asexuals) at Your Sex and Kink Parties.”
See you on the beach with this bag, a gift from Belle Epoque at Shop & Hop, where merchants are celebrating SL18B as well as Pride. My av’s hair is Mina’s gift at Shop & Hop. Limos below.
Belle Epoque, Candice Bag Pride Edition (gift at Shop & Hop)
MINA Hair – Shop & Hop 2021 hair (gift at Shop & Hop)
June is Pride month and all the parades are canceled, but Second Life is dripping with celebratory gifts. I’m glad Portia is wearing the rainbow flag on Seniha’s shirt because the asexual flag is depressing (lavender, grey, black and white). I am making strides towards claiming my asexuality: I messaged a presenter who was giving a talk about “sexual empowerment” for femme-identifying tops to let her know that topping doesn’t have to be about sex. I haven’t heard back from her. I hope she will change her way of thinking, not just add a sentence saying “You do you” to asexual people.
We are all grappling with the potential revolution in race relations in the USA, hence Portia’s Vobe “fuck racism” necklace. These are some of the things I want to tell white people about what I’ve learned thus far. Racism is systemic: it’s the policies and cultures we need to change, not the minds of individuals. Racism is a white problem; we need to solve it. Freaked-out, fragile white people need to consider how much less threatened we are than African Americans who live in fear. We need to pull ourselves together. It’s not up to African Americans to educate white people about racism. We need to do the research. I can recommend Ibram X. Kendi’s book How to Be an Antiracist. And this list of anti-racist resources.
The last thing I want to convey is a safety message for bondage enthusiasts. You should never wear cuffs as loose as Portia’s. The more a cuff can move the more likely it is to end up putting pressure on the nerves on the inside area of the wrist just above where it meets the hand. Make sure your cuff sits above this area and won’t move. Or if you’re using rope, do a tear-shaped cuff rather than a circle. When your arms are attached to an upline hold onto the upline to reduce pressure on your wrists.
Seniha. Pride Top // Maitreya (gift)
VOBE – FuckRacism Necklace (gift)
S&P, O cuff
[RHUDE] Easy Earring lt Gold
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V5.1
tram, I0528 hair
Mudskin, Anna shade 102
It surprises me that this is my most popular photo on Flickr. I wonder if it’s popular because it appears so clean but is really very kinky. You see no fleshy sexy bits; you see no sexual act. Instead, you get a full dose of fetishistic shiny black clothing, strict bondage and a collar that could suffocate the wearer. If the pic is popular it must mean that people find bondage hot in itself. Sex in the vanilla sense would not make it hotter. I bring this up because I am still struggling with my reluctance to mix sex with bondage. A few weeks ago, my rope partner broke up with me after two and a half years. He pointed to nothing specifically wrong about the relationship. In fact, I recall only a few solid things he said in the 45-minute conversation we had on the phone. One, a question I asked, was “do you think you’re my toehold in the scene?” He didn’t answer yes or no. Two, the last thing he said, “I worry about codependency.” Based on what I’ve read online, none of the definitions of codependency applies. (Based on these two remarks it seems to me that he thinks I was using and controlling him. Given that he took off soon after a couple of other women in the scene started to learn how to tie, I’d say he was the one who was using me and dropped me when an alternative appeared. I hope these women turn out to be bad at rope.) Three, the second last thing he said: “I’m only doing sexual play.” This after two and a half years of platonic play. Perhaps he thought he was telling me that he’d still be with me if he hadn’t made that decision, that the only thing wrong with our relationship was that it didn’t fully meet his current needs. As I said to him in an unhappy message I wrote yesterday—after holding back for three weeks—there’s nothing wrong with having a raspberry in your bowl of strawberries. Why forego enjoying platonic play with one partner because you are enjoying sexual play with other partners?
This part of the conversation sent me into a tailspin. I felt violently coerced by what I see as the patriarchal rules of the scene, which is predominantly polyamorous. Women have to put out, or at the very least they have to pretend to always be on the verge of putting out. A woman has to have sex with a partner even if she doesn’t desire them, and even if that partner doesn’t desire her. A woman has to have multiple partners, so any given partner won’t feel responsible for her emotionally, romantically, sexually. (“I don’t need to care if your hamster died. You’re just one of my poly paramours. Like I don’t need to care if you have an orgasm. Your other partner can work on that with you.”) That refusal of responsibility extends to the social, where a partner avoids hanging out at the munch because they’re looking for new partners. I had a huge crisis as I started to wonder why I couldn’t live by these rules but every other woman in the scene apparently could. Then it hit me: I must be asexual if I’m not having sex with anyone and don’t want to have sex in the absence of desire and don’t want to have sex with multiple partners. I even contacted someone and said their event was so focused on sex-with-rope that it marginalized asexuals. I couldn’t believe I had said that. It’s true that the event runner takes no notice of asexual attendees. But is it true I am asexual?
After a few days, I consulted the internet and decided that I must be grey asexual. It’s not that I never feel desire for someone. Last fall I had a sexual play partner. It’s just that it happens rarely. While this isn’t on the Wikipedia page, it’s also the case that I am whole-hog kinky. Rope is more pleasurable than sex. I do get aroused when someone is tieing me, but so much more is happening that pursuing orgasm is absurd. I can do that on my own. I can’t feel ensnared by a black energy that renders me mute and motionless. (My partner untied me too soon to let me see if I could slough it off. I hope to get back there again and try.) The other thing that I love about rope is that topping engages men more than having a quick orgasm. What this means is that after tieing me my male partner isn’t going to give me the look that men give me after fucking. It’s a look that says, “I wish I hadn’t done that.” I didn’t use to think that I was asexual. I thought I was someone who didn’t want to ever see that look again and was willing to avoid sex to spare myself the sight.
A two-and-a-half-year relationship in the scene is like 17 years in the real world. I can’t say that I loved my partner and I can’t say that I was in love with him. I don’t even miss him. Really, we were standoffish. Maybe that was because we had a natural affinity for that kind of poly deal where each person is terrified of asking too much. Maybe that was because we are both WASPS. What I feel at the end of the relationship is pride. We did what the scene thinks impossible. We played platonically, we eventually switched, and we even got to the point where we were exchanging ties on any given play night. Before he hung up the phone on the night he broke up with me, he said maybe we could play sometime. Even if I wasn’t pissed off at him, I wouldn’t want to tie again. The satisfaction for me was in the partnership, not in any single scene.
I hope you have enjoyed my top four pics from Flickr.