I keep thinking I owe my readers some news about the remission of my depression. One tends to write about depression when one is trying to surface, not when one is in the depths or finally treading water. In some respects, it’s pointless to describe recovery because it consists mostly of doing the unremarkable things that people take for granted. Like washing dishes more than once every two weeks. Or wanting to go to a movie and actually going to a movie. These things feel like novel and, in the case of the flicks, exhilarating experiences. I wrote 40,000 words this summer, and by early August I was “my old self,” one I’d forgotten. That self writes, preferably for hours every day. She loves the way thinking happens when writing happens. Writing is her favourite way of being in the world. And it often feels like being in love. The downside of this? Tremendous fear that the depressed paralysis will return. And now that school has started again, intense anger: this thankless job at this lousy institution cost me my writing self. It’s been six years since I was able to write like this. Those six years began with the job, with the students’ resentment and with the faculty and administration’s indifference. I felt traumatized when I set foot on campus last week and yesterday. If the environment and the job get the better of me again, I will never be able to write and publish my way out of there. I will be incapable of feeling pleasure.
Credits to creators
::Sn@tch Pop Violence Bustier (Aqua-Small):::
Discord Designs – Codie (Rainbow) (gacha at The 24H event)
Faster Pussycat, Funky bracelet w skulls (part of one of the FP Taste the Rainbow Hunt gifts)
Faster Pussycat, Editorella White glasses RARE (gacha at The 24H event)
*League* Aria Walnut -Apricot -DBrow -Chest D
[Pink Fuel] Metallic Lipsticks – Light Blue (Taste the Rainbow hunt gift)
..Sabotage..: Slit Skirt Neon S
+:+WTG+:+ **Neon Tower** necklace
:::Sn@tch Nail Candy (Lime):::
label motion pose from awesome Draya pack at TDR Fusion
Here’s a fantasy. This is what I would wear if I owned a chic boutique in Paris and life was so perfect that cats and birds could hang out together without getting into an argument about Léos Carax’s latest film. In this fantasy, my outfit consists of a mesh hippie blouse from Shine by ZD and a wearable demo dress from Solita. There’s also fur from Bliss Couture, which is running a sale on fur and ruffles until December 16th. The cuffs Portia wears here come with a matching poncho.
Here’s a reality. I’ve just gone through the toughest four months of my life and things may get worse before they get better. I don’t actually cry on my knees under a table. I prefer to stand, bend over and hang upside down till the rush of blood to my head distracts me from the despair. (If I called it yoga you’d try it yourself instead of thinking I’m weird. Which I am.) When I look at the SL feeds, I occasionally come across a post from someone who has been suffering from depression, may have attempted suicide, and may feel terribly alone. One of the wonderful things about SL is the anonymity that allows us to acknowledge pain without the risks that come with real-life declarations. I keep this blog a secret from all but my closest friend, so it remains a place where I can be some of the things I am not allowed to be in my daily life. I can, for example, play with a pair of giant bübs. I can also be honest about emotional pain. I can’t claim to have caught every post SLers have written about depression and despair, but I want those who have written such posts to know that I’m grateful for your honesty. I wish you all the strength and support you need to get you through the dark periods of your lives.
Credits to creators
shine by [ZD], MESH BATWING BLOUSE Hippiestyle plum – M (ty Cecilia Blanchere!)
[solita] Fin de Semana Dress M
[UMEBOSHI] Pabu tights -Peach- (a pack available at TGGS for a couple more days; ty Keiba!)
! Bliss Fur ! Lecker Fur Sleeves (50% off)
Schadenfreude, Amargosa Boots (Nov. Collabor88)
Yummy, Boho Rings – Maroon (Nov. Collabor88)
Glam Affair -Renee- Sinless 02 D (at the Arcade Gacha event)
PIDIDDLE – My Special Treasures – Some Teeth I Found (at the Arcade Gacha event; ty Brutus Martinek!)
The first pose is by dfo! from the Gala fundraiser pack and the location is Cupcake. The second pose is part of the Falln furniture and the location is Contraption.