Kinky photo fiasco

leashedforreleaseWhen I saw the photos my play partner took of me, I was stunned by how ugly I looked. At first I conceded that two were okay for posting on FetLife, but I changed my mind as soon as I saw them online. I felt humiliated (in a bad way) by the public exposure of my lumpy body and homely face and by my awkward and lazy rope-bound posing. In the last few months, my top’s primary partner has been falling in love with an idiot and has taken on idiocy as a lifestyle, so he’s feeling vulnerable. Taking the pics was his way of getting back some rigging confidence and exercising creative impulses that he’s had little time to indulge because of a stressful job. We talked about our mutual disappointment when I asked him to remove the photos. But our feelings of inadequacy and fears of rejection take different forms, so we don’t really understand each other. I asked if he would Photoshop one of the pictures we shot to improve my looks, and he said he doesn’t do any manipulation because he wants the raw experience and emotion to show. (I was certainly emotional because he was hitting me while we shot. Turns out my chin quivers in a particularly unphotogenic way.) At first I thought we could try again, covering my whale belly with rope to distract from the blubber and not shooting my squirrel-cheeked face. But given the intensity of my panicky reaction to the first set of pictures, I doubt that I would ever feel good about any pictures of me. I can get naked in the dungeon and know that I might not be appealing to people around me. But I’m too involved with my partner to notice other people’s judging eyes. (The kink scene is neither liberal nor liberated.The narrow focus on the BDS and M means that evaluation is highly concentrated and thus more exacting.) More significantly, when I play I’m not making a claim to being a photo-worthy subject, so my physical defects don’t matter as much. To pose for photos is to propose openly that I am attractive enough to repay perving. It’s a form of hubris.
kitten, hold the whip I couldn’t have anticipated my reaction. I honestly didn’t think I’d look so hideous, partly because the internet is not exclusively populated by photos of young skinny girls in rope. There are sexy pics of women who are older and bigger, but the best of those use flattering lighting or natural light that bathes the whole body. The lighting my top used was harsh. The angles make me look awkward and the highlights and shadows fall haphazardly on my body. There was no way of avoiding this. We were so in the moment. He was shooting frame after frame very quickly. I couldn’t see where he was standing, or where the light was, because I was blindfolded. I haven’t shared this criticism with my top, and I won’t unless we find ourselves thinking about trying again. I can imagine working on one or two poses and getting the lighting right so that my body can carry the strain and beauty of rope without looking unequal to it and without looking defeated by the demands of photographs. We may be able to negotiate something or we may take a lesson from polyamory and agree that our photographic needs can be met only by others.

..::PaperDoll’s::.. Leash tits [Black] (NEW at Kink Monthly) [Love these. Tug tug.]
[theSkinnery] Sona eye collection – 8 (NEW at Chapter Four)
Analog Dog [aka AD] – Delta – SPLASH pack (NEW)
..DirtyStories. Diamond Chest Heart
SIIX//Chrome Lingirie // Black
Maitreya Lara Mesh Body
MONS / MESH – Septum Rings (style23)
poses both pics: W. Winx and Flair, Temptation Lounge
The following are past gachas I bought on Marketplace:
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Arm/Gloves -Maitreya
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Leg Belt (Black)-Maitreya
=Zenith=Wood Elf Ranger Leather Long Boots (Black)-Maitreya
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 02 A

Defying gravity and myself

when two tats go to war As a neurotic blogger it’s my job—nay, my pleisure—to prevent myself from succeeding. For instance, I am careful to make the same mistakes as often as I can. And I restrict myself with silly rules rather than set myself sublime goals. Today I decided to defy my habit of shooting myself in the foot. (In the foot because the silly rule says that thighs are for arrows. And kneecaps are for gangsters.) For this pictorial, I tinkered for two days trying to get the right combo of tattoos to fill up the fields of flesh exposed by R2 A/D/E’s dress. The tats then spent a day playing “now you see it now you don’t” on Maitreya’s Lara body. Typically I fail to photograph the elements that were toughest to coordinate—see the last pic in this post for an example—or I don’t like the picture and decide not to use it. Not this time. Not after three days of hasslement. I deliberately shot the tricky tats head on and I am posting the pic even though I dislike it. Why do I dislike it? Because I deliberately shot the tricky tats head on. Obviously.
crop rosegold face If you asked me I’d tell you that I never do closeup shots because they are pure vanity. Really I’m concerned that the closer the shot the more obvious my limitations will be. Today I fear that you will see my misplacement of nose-rings or my 1,286th failure to correct the dumb dent in the line of my av’s upper lip. If this pic made it into the post it’s because I deliberately shot it half blurred, guaranteeing that it would be 50% less bad. Continue reading

Evil queen is evil

2nd light evil queen in cave These pics just rolled off my screen. I had so much fun shooting my av in the new makeup appliers from La Petite Morte. These are for Lelutka (worn here) and Catwa heads. There are seven variations on sinister wintry looks for the Quinn skin. Best of all? It’s a VIP group gift and the join fee is a mere 100L.
penguin plebesThe Meva advent calendar is my favourite this year—even though I joined late and that meant missing out on everything leading up to the 16th. This headdress is a recent gift, no longer available alas. Again there is a 100L join fee, but based on what I’ve been seeing from Meva creator Mea Carnell, the gifts are going to be more and more gorgeous as we scamper unto Xmas. I love the real-life advent calendars too, in a resolutely atheist “mmm chocolate” way. Opening those little numbered doors takes me back to childhood happiness. A child can take pleasure in having small fingers. Adults are too clumsy to work the windows, so there’s only one’s little brother to squabble with over the prizes.

Maai, ” Dominatrix ” mesh dress
.LeLutka.Mesh Head-STELLA v1.3
La Petite Morte, Quinn Lelutka head applier (VIP gift; see above)
Exile::Hazy Days (naturals pack):ieQED dragon.pauldron.titanium.
:ieQED dragon.pauldron.titanium.
Zaara : Banjara silver choker
Maitreya, Mesh Body – Lara V3.4
MONS / Giftmas Day 3 (piercing-upperlips) (still available; free group join)
::Sn@tch, Suede Wristband cuff (old gift)
pose: flowey, from an old 50L Friday pack
shot at The Cove public cave

what’s different in the second pic?
Meva, Medi Flower Headpiece (advent gift; see above)
shot at Meva sim

Something so wrong

bright recruit I struggled to find a good setting for my av Anorak to pose in her sugarplum space fairy outfit. I had to give up on snowy fields and defaulted to Insilico, where I wandered as if through a desert. (Okay—closer to a parking garage.) I was shocked to discover this setup of a cloaked figure seated on a middle-eastern rug. Shocked because it’s not possible to ignore the reference. Immediately ISIL comes to mind. But instead of walking away disturbed, I decided to see how the allusion might change if Anorak loaned her glamour to the tableau. The contrast reminds me of those neo-imperialist Vogue magazine spreads shot in underdeveloped countries, where at least one photo shows the tall white model standing strong at the apex of a pyramid formed out of a group of small, dark-skinned locals. Only in my photo Anorak is the new recruit, not the lady bountiful, and her glow makes her an easier target than the khaki-cloaked tech.
azoury shoes I never run closeups of shoes. In fact I usually cut shoes out of my images because long shots on a laptop screen make my model look like half a string bean.
snowmanOne of these people has the whole world in their hands.lilacwine I was not lying when I said I was shooting outdoors—here with my other av Portia. I could publish a book of the pics that didn’t work out. No place for irony in the snow.

/Wasabi Pills/ Dawn Mesh Hair – Powder [NEW at Hairology; ty Miss!)
r2 A/D/E miyuki[pink]Lara (dress and panties for Maitreya’s Lara and Slink’s Physique and Hourglass at Collabor88)
Maitreya, Mesh Body – Lara V3.4
:BAMSE: Icy Headphones – 50 Cent (gacha at Kustom 9)
Kibitz – Starry bracelet – onyx (NEW at The Dressing Room)
AZOURY – Extravagance Heels (SLink) – Black
Slink, Avatar Enhancement Feet High V2.4
FnH, Laced High Stockings Latex Black
EF: Lil’Frosty Earring (gift at…aw shucks I forget)
Undefined Lilies, Wingding Silver (photo four) (not available)
MONS / Giftmas Day 13 (piercing-cheek) (advent calendar item still available for free group)
MONS / Giftmas Day 15 (septum ring) (advent calendar item still available for free group)
Sweet Thing. Sweet Rabbit Collar – Black (past gacha, check Marketplace)
Ali Couture, Goggles (not available, old hunt item)
White Widow, Deadman Black tattoo (was at Shiny Shabby which just closed, so check the mainstore)
NOX. Giftmas – Day 9 [Red] eye makeup (advent calendar item still available for free group)
***Chaisuki*** snow face tat (not available)
-Glam Affair – Sia Artic tone – 02 A (old special item)
pose one: Grafica Poses ~ Recruit (ty Alyx!)
pose two: PDA (not available)
pose three: Label Motion, My Cuddly Snowman (subo gift of adorbs snowman in three sizes and colour combos)


nopenopenope Vulpinetta wrestles in a kinky circus called erm…. Hmmmm. I’m not good with fiction. Let’s start again, getting straight to my account of a difficult scene. It’s not safe for work. Continue reading

The bride wore gacha

bright sunshine catrina It’s been a while since gacha smiled on me and granted me a rare. This one couldn’t be any more lavish or dramatic. Continue reading

How goes the metaphorical war?

rail at all his servants These days it’s tough to tell the difference between SL’s warrior women and masochists, both of whom wear bits of metal on their breasts and look exhausted but satisfied après guerre. Add a pair of goggles and you can throw space maidens into the mix, as you will see under the cut. Please be advised that you’ll see more than goggles, so this is NSFW. (Let’s put it this way: in the beginning there were pants, but as the shoot progressed I saw that they were bad.) Continue reading

Choose choosing

decisions I spent the whole fucking weekend trying to put together an outfit. You know the problems: something highly shiny doesn’t look right with something deeply matte, something engineered perfectly doesn’t work with something rough hewn. (To be honest, a pair of sexy boots got me caught between dungeon and space-station looks. Catsuits aren’t as straightforward as they seem. There’s latex for S&M and there’s latex for traveling to Saturn. The first kind says flog me now. The second kind says people who are going to be held in stasis for years do not need pockets.) Eventually I realized that I had The Secret Store’s cropped bomber, which is so hot and so well made that it not only works with anything but can tie together a flounce skirt and bantu loop hair. And, as you will see after the cut, the bomber can even enhance a sweetheart of a skin. Continue reading

Making a scene

plotting It’s only just recently that I’ve realized that I can get to know people first, perhaps over a period of many months, before playing with them. And that the people I have known for a while might be good play partners. It’s tough, nevertheless, to see a friend who started in the scene a few months after I did (in August 2014) already have a dom with whom she plays regularly and with abandon. The only taste of submission I’ve had came just last week with a man I’ve been gladdened and maddened by for six months. Before it happened, we had another one of our tussles over intimacy (in which I cry and soak his shirt because getting angry is too risky, and he holds me and broods until he admits to some kind of performance anxiety.) I was close to angry this time, close enough to change out of my sexy outfit, which I’d had on for a matter of minutes, don my street clothes and flats, pack my bag and put on my coat. (I’d waited so long to wear my black suede Mary Janes with their 4.5 inch heel. I was crushed.) We both sat in our coats in an empty playroom while we stewed in our own juices. Once we were cooked through, we moved to a room where people were scening. That was too much for frustrated me to ignore, so finally I said “I want to sit at your feet and put my head in your lap,” and he assented. As he stroked my hair I turned into a pussycat enjoying a nice spot of sun after a thorough grooming and a good meal.
mistress commands Later, when I was back to my usual self, he described the submissive me as demure, and I wanted to argue about his adjective. But then he said he felt intense affection for me while he was stroking my hair, and I decided that I’d give him a pass…this time. In the hope, of course, that there will be a next and I will get to wear a collar and leash while I sit between his legs. There’s nothing too demanding in this scenario for either of us, which is probably the best way to play it right now. I cannot afford to sit and wait for the arrival of the lightning-bolt dom who will make me his slave. Meanwhile, I have time enough to wait for my relationship with my friend to grow into something more intense.

h.m.a.e.m. – The small faces necklace – two (NEW; comes in five variations on the faces; ty Riri! glad to have you back!)
Dead Dollz, Malice Poudre (only the blouse): on sale prior to retirement, comes with a black pencil skirt
Zaara, Trishna Leggings (these are old but wonderfully spring-like)
MONS / MESH – Septum Ring (style22) bronze (at TDRF)
MONS / MESH – Septum Ring (style23) [L and R nostrils] – bronze (at TDRF)
Essences [Storm TDRFusion03] pale02 *brunette* (at TDRF)
[KOOQLA] Nico – beauty marks tattoo
MIA14 … BEAUTY MARKS 1 Face Only
-Glam Affair – Gloss 04
.Birdy. Simple eyeliner
[monso] My Hair – Yong/ Black Brown
Clemmm, Damaged Hands *Bruises and grit* 1
Slink Avatar Enhancement Hands – Casual – Small
pose one: flowey (with a prop whip from Zibska’s Cynthia dress)
pose two: Ma Vie, Mistress
location: Hollowtree