Abuse of power comes as a terrible surprise

For the fourth week in a row, a prominent member of the rope community has been outed for repeat consent incidents. In one case these were sexual violations in private. In another, negligence in private. In a third, abuse of a partner in private. In a fourth—well we’ll see why the fuck he was doing what he was doing in classes. (And yes, these are all men.) Three of the four are—or rather were, in the first case—teachers with whom I have taken classes. You know I love my rope classes. I’ve been to six rope cons, two of Graydancer’s GRUEs, and countless local classes and intensives. Right now I feel sick, not just because of the revelations about power abuse by rope tops, but because I had my own experience of a nonconsensual incident with a teacher. I thought I put the bad feelings behind me. These included feeling embarrassed for not stopping it, which was made worse because my community may have seen me not stop it. I also lost my respect for him as a teacher, lost the respect he gives me as a [decent and somewhat fun] student, and the identification I feel with him as someone whose philosophy I appreciate deeply. I got over the bad feelings, got back a sense of mutual respect, and came to understand what happened as a serious error in judgment on his part. Partly in response to the recent revelations, I told the teacher that he didn’t ask for permission to suddenly and aggressively take me out of the rope my partner had tied. He apologized for not asking. I told him it’s okay. But is it? The bad feelings I endured when it happened came back after I talked to him. They have receded again, but I am really fucking wary right now.
I know this teacher always asks for permission to touch a student because I hear him ask when he circulates in the class. Why was I the person who wasn’t asked for permission? Was it because he believed I wouldn’t object? One of the things we bottoms struggle with is being dubbed “unsafe” when we don’t communicate about things going wrong. (Apparently now we need to be prepared to safeword in class as well as scene.) One of the things I struggle with as a new top is the fear that I am going to fuck things up. I have been talking a lot with my regular bottom to ensure that our negotiations are more thorough. In addition, I have asked him to tell me if he feels retroactively creeped out by something that he was okay with during the scene. (I was okay when the teacher took me out of the rope. It was pleasantly physically and psychologically challenging and a little hot. The next day I wasn’t okay.) I also told my regular top that it is possible that I too may experience delayed effects, or effects that come and go, and she needs to be prepared for that. One of the things I’m cherishing right now is the trust I have with both of them.

If you are a member, you can find good FetLife writings on and for bottom safety in all senses at Rope Bottoming Resources. If you need a model for dealing with a consent incident or need to prep yourself and other community members in case one occurs, check out Consent Rocks.

_CD_ Raku Boots Black – Maitreya Lara (at that Punk thing)
(first pic) Moon. Hair. // Devour (gg)
(second pic) old Ayashi gg
Gachas
Mossu – Temptress.Choker – Black – Maitreya
Tentacio—red ribbon kimono black & red (with panties)
Tentacio—Rune spell
Violent Seduction – Ume Hime Tanto (Red) (sword)

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A bottom’s cranky body

I love playing with Alexandra (not her real name). She’s inventive. She doesn’t follow the “traditional” Japanese patterns—the ones that tend not to be fatal. The second time we scened, she supported my head with ropes at the base of my skull. I ended up with a headache for ten days. I kept telling Alexandra (still not her real name) that we made this mistake together, and that each of us has to be responsible to the other. Meanwhile, I was being a shit because I kept putting off going to the doctor, thus shirking my responsibility to both of us to be proactive about possible serious injury. I looked in vain for a kink-friendly doctor online, and when I asked a friend who knows the scene pretty well, she assumed I needed a gyno, not a GP! I imagined telling a vanilla GP that I was doing acro-yoga, which is a thing, and that we decided to add some rope because my balance is bad. But I’m one of those “I cannot tell a lie” people and I’m also pretty blunt, so I would have ended up saying something like “I’m into rope bondage and the person tying me up may have done bad things to my head. Not on purpose.” The third time I played with Lexie—Ima call her that now—we did not injure me. The fourth time, during a sublime scene in which I was standing on one leg and had the other bent leg suspended, I sustained some kind of butt-muscle injury on the side of the suspended leg. I met a kinky yoga instructor who said it happened because my hips weren’t open. It takes 90-minutes of mostly yang yoga poses to open my hips. (And probably my legs…if you know what I mean.) That injury plagued me for more than five weeks, and I was really worried that I would go into our fifth scene too butt-borked to play much. Miraculously, my butt—which had been especially tender for days, to the point where I was worried about sciatica—woke up pain-free the day before Sexy Lexi (no one’s real name) and I were supposed to scene. I am happy to report that I emerged unscathed from that scene, having not ceased to breathe when she wrapped my chest very tightly. (UNF. Breath play yo.) I hate thinking that my body is easily injured because before doing rope I hadn’t done anything physical—not since I quit ballet at 10 and gym at 16. I also hate thinking that I am really very old and have to be extra cautious. Now that I have been feeling the effects of positions that don’t seem strenuous, I am even more scared to try suspension again. For some reason, however, Lexapalooza (that name actually suits her) and I have decided to try one. I hope she will like my helmet and football pads.
Tram at Hair Fair. Weird angle on Hedda’s weird face. Nuff said.

Credits
tram, G0517 hair (HUD 3) NEW
.Birdy. May Skin ~Peaches~ (Brown)
S&P lingerie and collar Iris – Lara MMM edition (may not still be available in this colour combo, but group members could buy it last weekend when Midnight Madness was on)
#EMPIRE – Ipomoea – Maitreya
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
AC’s Leather Cuff (free on Marketplace in a very nice, but sadly brown, set)
[Dread] Piercing #5
{S0NG} :: Cupid~ Dark Green Eye
pose not available
shot at Opium Den

I topped someone, kinda

tearing-up-saturated I topped for the first time at today’s rope class. It was about untying with intent, which was good, because I can do that. It’s a simple fact that I have no talent for knots and frictions and patterns and physics and maintaining tension while working with knots and frictions etc. But invite me to maintain tension while undoing knots and frictions, while unfixing patterns, while forgetting physics, and I can handle rope like someone who knows what she’s doing. Doing to her bottom, that is. Turns out my instinct is to handle a bottom the way I want to be handled. With body manipulation as well as rope weaving. With slow sensuous movements, then efficient ones, then disconcerting pauses in the action. I didn’t know the man I topped, so I didn’t go too far. He was a very responsive bottom, experienced enough to be relaxed and trusting (even though I was clumsy). I now have a better idea how good it must feel to play with me, because I also respond readily to my top’s moves. (Yes, I said something positive about myself.) (There’s a wee bit of naughty on the flip side of the cut—the flip side of my model’s butt.) Continue reading

Rope’s end

ihazasadcensoredFull frontal nudity under the cut and the latest events leading to a ropeless future. Continue reading

A ring around my neck

The text and pics in this BDSM post are not safe for work. The pics may be upsetting to some people. The asphyxiation play they evoke is very dangerous. If you want to do this kind of play with your partner(s), take the time to become a part of the local kink community, and find a mentor who is recognized widely as safe and experienced. Bottoms /subs/slaves, you can read more about keeping yourself safer— not one hundred per cent safe—in the post.  Continue reading

Constantly tested

preparedI’ve been gone for a while. I kept wondering if I was coming back. I’m not sure that I am back. I had two Hallowe’en outfits to blog, but life got in the way, and then I felt no interest in SL. Truth be told this has partly to do with the fact that I now need to use a mouse with my laptop and don’t want to sit at a desk to recreate after sitting at a desk to work. Continue reading

Express yourself

scarlettebutt After the wretched experience with the asshole rigger—who still hasn’t apologized for actively neglecting to affirm my performance when I bottomed for his class—I was feeling miserable. This is a wound that has been opening up every other day, surprising and devastating me every time. I can’t seem to inure myself against it. I haven’t confronted the asshole because he asked for time and space. Both have been expanding at a rate that Dr. Who would find alarming. I haven’t confronted him because I know that he will never play with me again if I require him to deal with his incapacity for generosity. I’m a desperate idiot, trying to keep that possibility of play open because I believe that no one else could want me. Meanwhile, it’s his behaviour that has left me feeling that way, like a lousy bottom who doesn’t deserve appreciation. Over Labour Day weekend, I managed to distract myself by devoting ten hours to K. Kieslowski’s excellent Dekalog. I traveled for business soon after. In a strange town, the universe smiled on me, sending me a rigger who is capable of showing respect and appreciation. Like the asshole, this rigger is a devotee of Yukimura ryu, but he has studied more extensively in Japan. He is considered to be one of the top riggers in his community. He determined from my FetLife profile that we share a love for Yukimura ryu and that we would be at the same event—and he contacted me to ask if I’d like to tie. He contacted me! He clearly enjoyed sceneing with me, was attentive and playful during the rest of the evening, and took me out for coffee the next day. Instead of saying, as the asshole did, “all a bottom has to do is be vulnerable,” he said “the way you express yourself in rope is awesome.” scarletteeyes

Credits
NEW DE Designs – Scarlette Corset – Maitreya – Vintage 3 [with colour change laces] (at We <3 Roleplay)
NEW *LODE* Head Accessory – Grapes and Roses [merlot grape roses] (Chapter Four gacha)
NEW Asteria, Scratches [Omega] Blood and Burn versions in pics one and two respectively (was at Fetish Fair, not sure if it's still on)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V3.5Kin-Cricket-[Black] hair
-Glam Affair – Eles Asia 04 NB
fri. – Kendall.Platforms (Pewter) – Maitreya
S&P [Salt & Pepper] Avery cuffs
(r)M ~ Posture Collar ~ No.07 (Size M) (an oldie but a goodie, so well made)
cage: Dutchie/Rustica, La Signora Della Pazienza
shot at Ethereal City [join the group for access to group areas]

Devolution of an image

what? “Why not break out of the bondage mould?” I thought to myself. Instead of heading to the dungeon in the three-piece Risa ensemble by Violent Seduction, I would create a fun, colourful character. Whom I promptly photographed in a serious environment—the lovely .anc. staircase with its lone window, where ethereal avs go to look otherworldly. It’s a rare gacha and takes pride of place on many an upscale sim. This one is It All Starts with a Smile. [We get kinky sexy under the cut.] Continue reading