When she’s sweet

I’m Portia. My pronouns are she/her.

parfait. Lilith Lingerie – .pink. (the cups can be hidden) (you can pick this up at Romp but it’s not the new item)
NEW tram, I0706 hair at Uber
NEW Rainbow Sundae, Senpai’s Love Tattoo (was at Notice Me Senpai and isn’t yet in the main store)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
Vibing – Jacinda Bracelet – Rose Gold (anniversary gift at Uber)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Zibska ~ Cori Eyemakeup (not available)
[POUT!] Delicate Lashes – Multi Appliers (group gift, no fee to join)
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
pose: BodyLanguage SLC, Suits (gift at Uber)


A lovely picture and a heartbreaking story

My mother has dementia. Her doctor says she could easily live ten more years. I don’t want her to suffer that. I watched her memory deteriorate over the past decade, attempting over and over again to alert her and my brother to what I saw. They teamed up to shout me down. Now my Mom is paying the price. Ten years ago she might have had time to devote herself to her health, at the very least find some kind of stimulation in outings and people instead of living like a hermit. I think it was two years after my father’s death in 2007 when she suffered a psychotic depression. She ended up at CAMH in Toronto after a suicide attempt. From there they enrolled her in an inpatient program that allowed her to spend weekends at home. So I moved to Toronto, where I hadn’t lived for ten years, and did nothing for the month my Mom was in residence. By nothing, I mean that every morning I would get up around nine, go to a cafe with a shady patio, read one of Foucault’s lectures, which are page-turners, and then do none of my own work. I never read a second lecture on any given day, never channeled what I had read into my scholarship. I think I was on Second Life for hours every day, putting in the time until I could make my 90-minute walk to visit my Mom at the loony bin, as I called it. Native Torontonians of a certain age will remember it was referred to as “999,” after the street address. They changed the number to 1001 to combat the stigma conjured by a number as ominous as 999. (What’s scarier than the Beast? Mentally ill Torontonians!) Mom didn’t see the point of the program, refused to talk about herself, and not-so-secretly admired the teenage depressives who told the clinicians that they were full of shit. In the end, the depression receded but not because Mom did the work of getting better. She just lucked out.

Now there is neither work nor luck in the offing. Over the weekend I encountered for the first time a woman who was hopelessly confused about taking pills and who kept trying to get things sorted with no success. No notes, neither hers nor mine, can keep her focused. She writes the same note every day on the same piece of paper and it only registers while I’m dictating it. Phone call reminders worked for a few days, but then it became apparent that Mom was taking pills when she wasn’t supposed to. And denying she’d had calls from the care worker, and bitching about the calls being ineffectual when she wasn’t denying. In the early summer, I spent ten glorious days with her. This was longer than the five I’d planned because she went into Emergency the day before I was going to leave and it would have been rude to say “Good thing that wasn’t a stroke, Mom, because I’m leaving town tomorrow.” She was so sweet and open. I used eye contact and gentle touch when she was sad or worried, and it helped. I left Toronto loving her and loving the city. Her mood changed once the caretaker and the cleaning person and the nurse started their shifts. Eight hours a week of contact with other humans in her home has been enough to turn my mother into a bear. She’s threatening to move out so that the others can move in. Funny that, since it looks like her resistance to in-home care is going to lead to living in a retirement home, something she has always sworn she would never do. She’s also threatened to throw herself off a bridge. There’s nothing funny about that.

Mom rejects the diagnosis of dementia and won’t accept that her memory is bad. She just wants this problem of taking her pills to be resolved. She gets no comfort in knowing she will be called and talked through the process each time. Earlier this summer, when I loved my mother and Toronto, I considered moving there for the warm months, taking a room in a student house in the Annex. I thought these could be the last few months Mom would know who I am and that I should be there to enjoy them with her. Tomorrow I am going to spend a week with her, holding down the fort until my brother, who lives in England, can stay to “train” her to take her meds and convince her to go into a residence. I don’t know if he can pull that off in three weeks. I do know that one day soon I am once again going to be staying in her apartment while she is somewhere else in the city, being ill. The residence we’d like to see her settle into is only five minutes away, so I won’t be excusing intellectual inactivity by taking exhausting healthful walks. And I hope I won’t be so sad for her and so depressed myself that I spend all my free time on Second Life. I’ve built a better first life for myself in the years since that summer Mom was in the loony bin, fighting my own mental illness, finding a kind of calling in rope, finally completing—just today—an essay I’ve worked on for four summers and a couple of Christmas breaks. I didn’t read all of Foucault’s lectures, just enough to know he never really discusses biopolitics, just gets bogged down in governmentality, so there’s no point going back to that cure-all. I will instead read about person-centered care for people with dementia, find ways to be kind to my mother, and fight my instinct to run the fuck away.

Violent Seduction – Iki’s Look Dress (rare gacha at epiphany)
Violent Seduction – Iki’s Look Bag (Pink) (gacha at epiphany)
Violent Seduction – Iki’s Look Beret (White) (gacha at epiphany)
tram, D428 hair / maroon
LERONSO// Lelutka/Group gift/ Skin “Minori” – snow (with makeup)
Zibska, Poly eye makeup gift (gone, over, ended, where were you?)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
Pure Poison – Pointy Nails – Hearts – Maitreya – (VIP group gift)
location: Hitogata

In which I whine uninspiredly

I think my second life is drawing to a close. In the past six months, I have been shopping Fifty Linden Friday and the Saturday Sale, slowly tweaking my avatar’s appearance with one or two new items each week—most of which I forget I bought—but rarely wanting to create a look worth shooting. I little understand why I am still holding on. SL is so overrun with repetitive fetish wear that I see no point in buying or photographing it. It turns out there are only so many variations a creator can run on straps and chains. I can’t even imagine visiting BDSM sims in the hope of finding a new community of perverts with whom I can kibitz. I don’t see recreating the literal zoo I discovered way back when. (Human avatars were supposedly having sex with animal avatars. I was meeting The One. I am now too lazy to look for The Second One. Or emote love with a kemono. Whatever a kemono is.) In the past couple of years, I have been extremely ambivalent about spending time in world. I see it as a sign that something or someone has disappointed me and I am hiding. The less you hear from me the happier I must be.
Among the small things that keep me coming back are group gifts from Faina Cortes of La Malvada Mujer. I couldn’t resist buying the Delicate Lipstick to go with the bushy gift brows. (There’s a much less bushy brow included, but where’s the evil in that?)

ALTAIR* momokuri uniform .marine. (gacha at Crystal Heart)
C’est la vie, Jody Rib Socks #1
NX-Nardcotix Libby Platform MJ Ebony (MAITREYA) (look closely at the photo: I think these are not well made but judge for yourself)
La Malvada Mujer – Welcometothejungle brows /omega app (group gift: if it’s gone it may be for sale on Marketplace)
La Malvada Mujer – Delicate Lipstick
MILA, messy eyelashes
Izzie’s, Winter Eyes (fantasy)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
tram, H1116 hair HUD A
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
BodyLanguage SLC, Bento SS POSE Lost in the Net B

Pastel bunny

The Bunny Hop Hunt ends on the 14th. The glasses and bunny bag shown here are from Dazed and NS:: respectively. Almost all the prizes cost 25L.
I’ve been haunting the Lucky Boards at Violent Seduction, where I won Chloris in Lavender and Alecto in mint. I also won Alecto in black and Alecto in Burgundy and Alecto in Black and Alecto in Burgundy. And Alecto in macrame. And Alecto in string cheese. My av’s shoes are FurtaCor from the Bunny Hop Hunt and her glasses and bow are hunt prizes from NS::.
Jeepers, my last post was a Valentine’s Day / Year of the Pig twofer. And now it’s Easter. Have I turned into a kitschy holiday blogger? I do feel suspiciously festive.

Portia in Alecto
Violent Seduction – Alecto Maitreya (Mint) (Lucky Board)
DAZED. Niji Glasses (Bunny Hop Hunt)
DAZED. Spring Nose Piercing (Bunny Hop Hunt)
DAZED. Dotted Bento Nails [Maitreya] (Bunny Hop Hunt)
NS:: Bunny bag (for pic) (Bunny Hop Hunt)
Moon. Hair. // Bloom Erratics pack
+Half-Deer+ Velven Bunny Ears (Stardust Plum) (old gacha)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
*Rainbow Sundae* Ethereal Blush LeLutka
Rin – Face Glimmer (group gift)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
*katat0nik* (Slink & Maitreya) Eva Bunny V2 Tattoo Sleeves (past gift at Ozimals)

Portia in Chloris
Violent Seduction – Chloris – Lavender (Maitreya)
.:::FurtaCor::::Bunny Shoes::: (Bunny Hop Hunt)
NS:: Bunny Bow (Bunny Hop Hunt)
NS:: Bunny Shades (Bunny Hop Hunt)
DAZED. Spring Nose Piercing (Bunny Hop Hunt)
The Bunny Hop – Egg Basket (Group Gift at the hunt)
Moon. Hair. // Bloom Erratics pack
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
*Rainbow Sundae* Ethereal Blush LeLutka
Rin – Face Glimmer (group gift)
This is Wrong, Closer (unisex Lucky Board)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1

Foxcity, Insatiable prop (poses not included)
Iconic, Indie Bunny (old rare gacha)

Pig love

I thought I’d celebrate Lunar New Year and Valentine’s Day in one burst of celebratory red. And a slight sneer.

Belle Epoque { Alena } Bra and Panties (group gift)
::Bold & Beauty:: Hair :: Luna. (L/Lelutka) Pastels
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Pink Fuel, Kiera in Porcelain
Rin – Love Sick (Group Gift)
Dragon N Wolf, chinese zodiac pig 2019 (omega) (FREE on Marketplace)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
MICHAN – Anna Necklace
:Moon Amore: Angelic Souls / Ring&Chain (Maitreya bento hands) (old gift)
*~*HopScotch*~* Rose Petal Rain Backdrop (prop has no poses built in) (XOXO hunt prize, or buy for 50L)

Only Azumi

NEW r2 A/D/E azumi boots[black]Maitreya (88L at Collabor88)
NEW r2 A/D/E azumi[black]Maitreya (88L at Collabor88)
NEW Ama. : Robin Harness Bloody Mess : [Maitreya exp] (group gift)
NEW tram, H1020 hair (at Uber)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0 (there’s a 3.3 version but the HUD is too confusing for me)
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (recent past gacha)
*Rainbow Sundae* Ethereal Blush
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
THIS IS WRONG Delicious tattoo 02 – Maitreya / Belleza (past gacha) (only visible on Flickr)
S&P, Story of O cuffs (comes with collar; colour change; so much muchness)
[CX] Feral Spikes Black earrings
GALLACTIC . Ray Gun . Black/Red (n/a) (only visible on Flickr)
poses: (HUD)SLC, SS Pose Hide&Seek Group C (retired)

Goth your Loli

I’ve been longing to dress my av Gothic Lolita style but wasn’t convinced by the aristocratic confections I saw in stores. Baroqued Gothical offers some more severe looks. I fell in love with the repression and hint of evil wafting from Janire Coba’s Evangeline dress and cap for Belle Epoque. The set for these pics is one of about twenty whimsical environments for photo ops at the fair. Most of them, including this one, are on the sweet side. To cut down on the sugar just turn out the lights.

Belle Epoque { Evangeline } Black (comes with headpiece, at Baroqued Gothical)
E-clipse Design. Leyla Shoes Maitreya Black (three styles of stocking—mesh, black opaque, grey-black opaque)
Doe: Selene – Gingers
-[The White Crow]- Butoh l *Omega Heads Catwa/lelutka/6DOO*
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
::LEO-NT:: WOODEN ROSARY [mouthchain] (n/a)
poses: free pose pack 4 from Insomnia Angel (formerly konpeitou)

Pinch me everywhere, but don’t make me go to a Halloween party (that would be torture)

I am so happy playing with this new person, someone with whom I am eerily compatible, someone with whom I am fulfilling long-time fantasies. We play early at the dungeon, do aftercare for an hour, sneakily experimenting with pinches in the social area (where playing is forbidden), and then we play again. Because I lust to submit to him and I lust for pain. Tonight we are supposed to go to a Halloween party at the dungeon. I hate parties. I freeze up and want to run away. It’s risky emotionally for me to dress up nicely. The idea of donning a costume makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep. I just texted him to say that false eyelashes and a new pair of stockings with an old, modestly sexy, dress are the best I can do. (After all, someone stole my devil horns last year.) And all I really want is to play and spend time together.I really don’t want to disappoint him.

Luas Nanako Bra White & Coral (gacha at Epiphany)
Luas Nanako Knife Headdress White & Coral (gacha at Epiphany)
Luas Nanako Obi White & Coral (gacha at Epiphany)
Luas Nanako Sleeves White & Coral (gacha at Epiphany)
Luas Nanako Tabi & Okobo RARE (gacha at Epiphany)
Kibitz – Corinne’s leashed collar – Lara – gold/blush (past gacha)
:Moon Amore: Opera Romance / Roses Tiara – Dorado (past gacha)
Clawtooth: Louise Brooks – Softest Black (n/a)
:Moon Amore: Arcano Rings Maitreya (past hunt gift)
:Moon Amore: Ukka Septum – Celtic [Gold] (group gift, still available)
Izzie’s – LeLutka Bento – Applier Glitter Freckles (this was a free bento update thingy)
Arise, Ela brow
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
9 RARE -[TWC]- Blossom *Maitreya* tat (past gacha)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1

Misty miss

As usual, Rei2 Aya has conjured a hell of a lot of sex appeal with her paneled latex. The delightfully pink-and-gold bra and c-string of the Shigure outfit can be removed for R-rated activities. The derriere is of course bare. If this is how we are going to dress when we colonize space—and by we I mean males, females and all other genders—I am staying on earth until the seating is heated and immunization has eradicated butt-pimples.

NEW r2 A/D/E shigure outfit comes in three parts (top stuff, bottom stuff, boots) (at Collabor88)
NEW [ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 [the night version has a bloody nose] (Arcade gacha)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
:Moon Amore: Ukka Septum – Bat [Gold] ((group gift, 50L to join)
AMITOMO – SANARAE anniversary gift earrings (was a Sanarae gift)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1