Scaring the bejeezus out of you

I love CURELESS even though I don’t think of myself or my av as the dark gothy type. The work is so accomplished and I love the idea of the creator working with other SL ghoulies. Collaboration is something I long for in my life. I love CURELESS even more because the creator participates in 50L Friday and I like a bargain. I also adore Kaorinette’s images, which offer a total vision.
Today I love CURELESS and all the other labels that share the sim because from now till Nov. 1st they’re selling selected items at 50% off, and they’re running the PoisonMe hunt, which will give you Halloween horrors. If all that wasn’t enough—phew I’m exhausted—I love both CURELESS and Moon Amore groups because they offer a passel of past gifts as well as recent ones and are only 99 and 50L, respectively, to join. While I’m at it, I confess that I am also a big fan of La Malvada Mujer’s group gifts, which become cheapies on Marketplace. That group is free to join. MAD’s group, which can supply you with more cute and funny pasties than I can count, is only 75L to join. Years of past gifts are available.

Credits

Look 1
NEW :Moon Amore: HellSpawn / Bodysuit (Group Gift Exclusive; 50L to join) colour change
NEW :Moon Amore: Arcano Rings Maitreya (Poisonme Hunt)
:Moon Amore: Ukka Septum – Bat [Gold] (Group Gift Exclusive; 50L to join)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Glam Affair, Ilary Petal (not just not available but also an outmoded skin tone; is my av a ghost of skinning past?)
NEW *Bolson / Omega Head Tattoo Poisonme Hunt – Spiritmonger (Poisonme Hunt)
Izzie’s, Winter Eyes (Fantasy)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
CURELESS [+] Psychopomp Body / BLACK CLEAR / OMEGA (Group Gift, 99L to join)
:[Plastik]:- Fyriana Cuff :// Kadiene (olde)
PHEDORA / Kelya Boots / Maitreya (see Flickr for these)

Look 2
NEW [NANI] Kiran.Hair (-)_(rig) *33 blood blonde comes with [NANI] Kiran.Hands (-) _(rig) (blood white) (Poisonme Hunt)
NEW :Moon Amore: Arcano Rings Maitreya and Arcano bindi (Poisonme Hunt)
:Moon Amore: Ukka Septum – Bat [Gold] (group gift, 50L to join)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Glam Affair, Ilary Petal (not just not available but also an outmoded skin tone; is my av a ghost of skinning past?)
NEW CURELESS Onibi markings (Poisonme Hunt)
ANTINATURAL[+] Hospital for Souls / Inmate Eyebags / OMEGA (gacha 50% off until Nov. 1 at Cureless)
La Malvada Mujer – Devil’s kiss (freckles, 10L on marketplace)
NEW Mad’ – Spiderweb Lips [VIP gift, 75L to join] [LELUTKA APPLIER]
Izzie’s, Winter Eyes (Fantasy)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
CURELESS [+] Carved Cherry Blooms / BODY APPLIERS (on sale till Nov. 1)
La Malvada Mujer – Like a prayer (bloody knees, 10L on marketplace)
PHEDORA / Octavia Boots / Maitreya Lara
!IT! – Happy Together Bracelet

poses Del May (pose 1 is from Mime Swag and 2 from Nevermore, which may be in the tons of old poses collections, but I didn’t check)
set ANTINATURAL[+] Hospital for Souls / Hydrotherapy room (gacha 50% off until Nov. 1 at Cureless)

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Fantasy fulfilled

Last night I fulfilled a fantasy I’ve entertained for several years of being leashed, gagged and naked. A fantasy in which I am on my hands and knees, my back arched, my pussy exposed, in the dungeon, on display. A fantasy in which I am a degraded object for anyone and everyone to see. At the beginning of the scene, my partner told me to strip, to turn slowly so he could see my completely naked body for the first time. He held me by the neck and groped me, instructed me to get up on a table and sit in a submissive posture—my palms turned up on my thighs, my eyes cast down. (It was very Gor.) He twisted my nipples and striped my back and stomach with a miniature dragon’s tail. Then, when I was on my forearms and knees, he hit my exposed cunt with a multi-cane. During negotiation, my partner and I agreed that at some point he would stand ten feet away while I held the degrading pose for three to five minutes. (I was inspired by yin yoga, where you hold poses to get into the fascia rather than bounce through an unending flow of sun salutations.) I doubted he would remember to do this, but he did, and it turned out that I held the pose for 12 minutes, and could have gone longer if he hadn’t called the scene. It felt like only a couple of minutes to me, even though it was hard physically—I was very tense. It was also unnerving because I was facing a wall and couldn’t see if anyone was looking at my outthrust ass and cunt. I’ve only just started doing impact. I’ve discovered that after an impact scene, as much as during it, I resent my partner hitting me. I need to be alone for a while before I can go and sit with him for aftercare. I was freaked out the first time this happened when we didn’t know I needed him to leave me alone. I did not want to be touched and it was very hard to tell him that. I did want desperately to go home and shut my door against the world. (It reminded me of being an unhappy teenager.) This time we agreed that I would take the alone time I needed. He led me to the social area but I couldn’t stand the light and the noise of people small-talking, so I retreated to the dungeon, where I curled up in an out-of-the-way corner and let the loud music bathe me. I wanted to curl up under the table we’d played on, but that would have been rude to anyone else who wanted to use it. Maybe next time I will indulge myself. Or crawl into the dog cage. It would be nicely womb-like. I soon started to feel bright and happy about the scene, but I didn’t feel enough affection or generosity to my partner to tell him that. I couldn’t actually remember much of the scene, but it’s coming back to me now. I can’t believe I did that! I need to text him thank you.

Credits
NEW CURELESS[+] Cadavre Exquis / GROUP GIFT
CURELESS [+] Sterile Undies past group gift, still available
Doe: Mollie – Colors pack hair
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
MICHAN – Moon Choker old GIFT
E C R U: “Adalind” set Vermilion. (old gift)
[Dreamlight] Septum Diamond Ring (gift at Sanarae)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Zibska Paule eyemakeup (gift at Sanarae)
MICHAN – Ciara Lashes [Lelutka] HUD
Go&See * Tears * GIFT Tintable (gift at Sanarae)
prop pic 2: flowey, baroque revisited (olde)

Am I “evolving in my kink”?

After a year’s hiatus during which I labbed a little as a rope bottom but mostly learned, labbed and scened as a top, I’ve had two chances to play. In both cases, I went nowhere near headspace. I could express this as having trouble suspending my disbelief. I was very aware that we were doing things that are supposedly fun, hot things, and I was wondering too much whether people in the dungeon thought we were awesome doing these supposedly fun, hot things. And I was disappointed in the moment because they weren’t really fun and hot and we weren’t really charming the pants off the other dungeoneers. I felt none of the disoriented spaciness or psychological transformation that I expect from scening. I wonder if I couldn’t go there because I have found a kind of safety and control in topping and I’m now not willing to risk that. I wonder if I couldn’t go there because my partners and I are not suited to each other. Agreeing easily about what to do is not the same as chemistry. But I’ve had good enough chemistry with most people who are good enough players.

I was particularly disappointed in these last two scenes because classic ways of making a bottom feel exposed didn’t work: dress pulled down, dress hiked up, spanked, silly gag, but no shame. Oddly, what disappointed me most was not being hit hard enough. The rope bundles in the first scene were stimulating and they left marks on my inner thighs, but they didn’t hurt. I know that some bottoms like marks because they’re signs that they have taken a lot or that they have been beaten by a top who cared enough to be brutal. The cane in the second scene marked my lower butt and upper thighs, but I mark easily and the marks were minor. Again, although I enjoyed the surprise of the unpredictable rhythm of the caning, it didn’t hurt enough and it didn’t drive me into an altered state. What, I wonder, do I want? What do I need?
I have never thought of myself as a physical masochist (psychological yes, in my desire to be shamed), so wanting physical pain and finding it not painful enough surprises me. I think it has to do with meeting someone who inspired in me the desire to suffer his sadism, which involves risky and physically demanding suspensions as well as humiliation and, most of all, a kind of absolute, insurmountable stance of distance. “I want you to hurt me”—that’s what I would have said to him if there was world enough and time. I have to admit it wasn’t these elements, not even in combination, that truly kicked my desire to play with him into high gear. No, it was an intuition—probably just a fantasy—that he would play slowly, giving me time to explore predicaments and only gradually determine they were psychologically harrowing. This came to me when I demo bottomed for him in class. His goal was to manipulate me gently rather than aggressively until he conquered my resistance. I wasn’t very resistant because instead of making me want to get away, his moves drew me towards him, as though we were dancing. Finally, and I’m a little proud of this, he overcame my cooperation by getting me on my knees on the floor, bent right over, in a headlock I can only describe as deviously sensuous. He gave me time to figure out that I didn’t like the feeling of his wrist on the right side of my neck or, when I turned it, on the left side. The process of slowly rotating my neck was awful because I could feel the pressure on my windpipe. Seeking relief from the pressure, which was actually very subtle but nonetheless alarming, I shifted to what seemed like the roomy crook of his elbow, only to find that I was trapped by much thicker parts of his arm. I had that feeling of taking a step too far into the deep end of a pool and being frightened by the water suddenly rising above my chin and over my mouth. I heard myself making little distress noises that were new to me. So much so that I was surprised to hear them coming from me. After it ended, my mood went black. There had been no resolution to that distress. I had not come out the other side. I bounced back as the group moved on to other things, but that dark feeling stayed with me through the next day. I still don’t know how I feel about this.
What works for me, I think, is surprise. If a scene is too predictable (I’m tied, so now comes the traditional Japanese gag), I don’t sink into it with my body and mind. The one thing I loved about the last scene I did, with someone I am about to scene with again, was that he used rope in spite of not being a rope person. He didn’t really know that I am a rope bunny, so he was pretty casual when he said that if he was going to tie my wrists, he might as well start the scene with a simple chest harness. He made an impression when he yanked hard to lock off the harness, drawing me close to him, forcing me to find balance by hooking my chin over his shoulder and eliciting an exclamation that went something like “Gah! Oh…mmm—unf—whimper.” He later tied my hair to the rear of the harness so that I was bent backward in a difficult position, unable to move forward but also unable to move further backward because of the limit of my flexibility. I couldn’t see where he was or what he planned to do. I just knew that my chest was out so my breasts were vulnerable to a new kind of toy that I ended up loving. It’s a cunning small silicone simplified dragon’s tongue. And it stung my nipples. (The right one was still humming an hour later.)

I was very conscious afterward that I had just done these things with someone I don’t really know. That didn’t make me feel that it was a risky thing to do, but it left me flailing for a way to be connected during aftercare. Having not gone into headspace I had also not hit cuddly euphoria. I think we spent too long talking so that the feeling of awkwardness dominated and it escalated in a way the scene hadn’t. It wasn’t until the next day that reflecting on what we’d done had me breathless and shaking. Is this typical? I always feel disappointed when it’s my solitary memories that move me, not the scene—or the sex—as it unfolds.

As I said, we are going to play again. He concluded from the first scene that I REALLYREALLYREALLY like rope, like REALLY; and we have agreed that he is going to hit me harder and with a much bigger stick. I concluded from the first scene that the key to feeling shame is not the exposure of my body but the unwilling revelation that I am enjoying being controlled and manhandled. This is probably going to be the part that’s hardest to engineer, if only because it means being open to accident instead of engaging in a strategic activity. I never really understood what people meant when they said: “I’m evolving in my kink.” Maybe instead of worrying that I am no longer a (good) bottom, I should just assume that, after four years, I am moving beyond the first phase of kink frenzy and need to wait and see what surprises me next.

This is nominally an SL blog and I’ve posted some pics I haven’t used before. Please forgive me for not providing details. See, however, yesterday’s Sweet Witch post for details about the last pic.

Sweet witch

I am still giggling about Zenith’s Sweetie gacha outfit. The dress is rare so my av had no choice but to run around half naked. The hat is finished with a heart-shaped tail.Note to picky people (like me): the boots come with garters that terminate suddenly without finish because they are meant to be covered by the dress.

Credits
Sweetie gacha and DAMI hair are at Kustom 9
=Zenith=Sweetie Witch Boots (Rose)-Maitreya
=Zenith=Sweetie Witch Collar (Rose)
=Zenith=Sweetie Witch Gloves (Rose) -Maitreya
=Zenith=Sweetie Witch Hat (Rose)
DAMI_MIMIHAIR_[resize]
[YumZ]Blindfold*Pink (OWNED) (so damn old)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
THIS IS WRONG Chat noir tattoo – (doesn’t seem to be available any more)
[ME] Owned Tattoo (Marketplace)
[Gos & oOo] Pouffe – Small – Black

Things are rough in the future

I am going to play without rope this weekend. It will be only the second time I’ve done that. The first time was two years ago with a woman who usually bottomed to men who played hard. It was in an ugly, grey-painted local dungeon. I was dressed in black lingerie and thigh-highs. I was treated to a matching collar and cuffs, told to get on my hands and knees and then made to walk in too-high heels with a Judith Butler book balanced on my head. I was slapped a dozen times on my right cheek. The top said she’d do it over and over until I managed to keep my eyes open. This inevitably turned into over and over until I yellowed. Eventually, I was cuffed to a St. Andrews cross where my tormentor persistently whacked the outsides of both my thighs with a cane. It was unbearable and once again I yellowed. This weekend I will play in the nicer dungeon, which has velvet curtains and oriental rugs. I will wear a sweet-looking pink diaphanous hippie dress. The top will tie my wrists in a comfy way (!), have me kneel, expose and maul my breasts, and then push me down so that he can cane my ass.
I have never been an impact person, and the last caning I received REALLY HURT FAR TOO HURTILY. But thanks to a new crush on a rope top, I have been fantasizing more about physical masochism (rather than the usual emotional masochism like exposure shame). The thought “I want you to hurt me” comes from my gut when I think about negotiating with this rigger. I imagine it’s the only thing I’d need to say. I would say it, would ask to be tied in order to be beaten by him, if he didn’t live thousands of miles away. I found myself pretending that this rigger was tying me when a friend and I were lab tying last weekend. I think it’s good there won’t be rope this weekend because I’d much rather be present with the person who’s topping me. If I can stand it!

Credits

NB: the r2 A/D/E ensemble comes in three pieces and I’ve simplified the names to make this more clear. It’s available in the mainstore.
r2 A/D/E seiga boots[pink]Maitreya
r2 A/D/E seiga bottom[pink]Maitreya
r2 A/D/E seiga[pink]Maitreya

Jewels
[Since 1975] – Treear Accessories (Gold) (subo gift)
-SU!- Nose Piercing Set (Click To Resize) (VIP group gift)

Body
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
This is Wrong, Musicorama tattoo [Lucky Letter (one board for female and one for male)]
alme. Summer Glam – Black nails

Makeup
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
CURELESS[+] Noel Set / Holiday Hunt Prize (now a group gift)
La Malvada Mujer – Dream Powder
#adored – spellbound brows – molten metal edition {omega}

Pose
Ama & Nais – Cuffed Standing – 06 {Unscripted} I used the cuffs not the pose

Location pic 2: Insilico sick bay

Ice cream, money and she

I toured the Fetish Fair and Romp, where I saw a lot of harnesses and elaborate lingerie sets. I chose this little number from Kinky Monthly because it was different. Nah, that’s a lie. I chose it because it doesn’t cover my av’s hoo ha. This wasn’t a question of aesthetics. This was a question of the throb with which my hoo ha greeted the sight of hers. Of course, you can’t see any hoo has here. I’m noticing a lot more censored bits in Second Life these days, perhaps because of FOSTA and SESTA. And I wanted to get in on the trend. (I also decided to buck it. you can see the uncensored version on Flickr if you accept restricted pictures and you can venture under the cut if you’re 18+.) Continue reading

Good dolly, bad dolly, mad dolly

I haven’t talked to a friend of mine for two months. Let’s call her C. I am furious with C and can imagine no way of talking about what happened without saying extraordinarily mean things with an extraordinarily mean face. Like me, C is a rope bottom. Unlike me, she does suspensions and can thus ask anyone to tie her. She’s very successful at this because, as I have discovered recently, C demands instead of asking. She seemed very sweet last summer when she asked me to tie her. This was when I started to learn. We scened three times over a couple of months. After the third time, I realized that C is extremely controlling in scene. It’s not so much that she’s incapable of surrender. It seems rather that she uses rope bottoming to intensify her need for control and her experience of scene-time dissatisfaction with tops who can’t control her. I stopped scening over the fall and winter of 2017. The drawn-out ending of the best partnership I’ve ever had, family betrayal and health problems had left me depressed. I didn’t think it would be safe to take responsibility for another person’s psyche during and after a scene. When I started tying again I played with two of our mutual friends and C let me know that she was hurt that I hadn’t asked her. This worried me. It seemed like a self-centered overreaction.

I felt ambivalent about tying C again and avoided the subject. Four months ago C volunteered eagerly to bottom for me in a class and I accepted. C does not hesitate to tell people before, during and after labbing that she is bored by labbing and yet she does it all the time. In conversation, C has said mean things to me about her regular partners, who don’t tie her the way she wants them to tie. The only time she expressed satisfaction with a partner was when they were having a charged (because not quite licit) sexual relationship. Despite being disappointed she ties with everyone, usually with two people a night. Why two people? Because C messages multiple rope tops to ask them to tie and then ties with everyone who says yes.
The incident that prompted my silence occurred on the last day of a convention when attendees were teaching brief classes. C was leaving early. I said it would be nice to spend time with her before she went. That is all I said. I tied C in the toe-rope class and then ran into another friend, B, in the finger-rope class. B is also a bottom who ties. I volunteered to bottom for B. As we started the second exercise, C called out in a childish way “I want to bottom,” to which I replied “I’m her bottom,” in an assertive way. C had no trouble getting the instructor to tie her after that. (Poor little C.) When the session was over C said to me in a prissy voice “A, I would like you to ask me nicely next time you want…” Wow. I could not believe my ears. After I pointed out that I was not being impolite, that I had expressed myself in my usual sassy way, and C was not budging, I observed that I had asserted myself. I waited to see if C caught my drift. She didn’t. I then said in an outrageously insincere manner “I apologize unreservedly.” I said it again, louder and more aggressively I mean unreservedly. I wanted to get away from her. I hadn’t said a word about tying her; she just assumed that was the natural order of things. It was this incident that made me realize that C thinks that all the rope is for her and all the tops are there to serve her (poorly, as it turns out). No other bottom has any standing, any rights or any NEEDs.

Let’s talk about polite before I go any further. If I go to B’s rope salon I say “Hey B, if you haven’t got anything planned yet it would be great if we could lab.” B may say no or she may say yes to my suggestion. She is free to decide. One night C walked into B’s house and said in a bratty voice, “I wanna be tied.” And then she said it again and again until B agreed. C doesn’t ask politely. She demands. Now let’s talk about wants … no let’s talk about needs. I have not bottomed for a scene since last July. I have lived in a state of extreme rope privation. C, who knows this but who has obviously not thought about how that must feel, wanted me to apologize for not asking nicely if I could bottom for ten minutes of finger rope at a con. Ten fucking minutes. Not even a chest harness. Just fingers. Just a tiny bit of rope that would go a long way to satisfying my need to be tied, and my need to be affirmed as a bottom, but would have left C cold.
My wants, my needs are not being met because I can’t scene. At least I have wants and needs that can be met, unlike C. Any scene satisfies some part of me, whether it’s my instinct for surrender, my sense of humor, my libido, my appreciation for the top’s art or a feeling of wonder at how close people can be when they do rope. It may be that scenes satisfy me because, unlike C, I don’t tie with just anyone, and I don’t tie with people I am going to diss behind their back. C thinks she lives in a perfect world in which she ties with all her lovely friends—but she’s in it for the bondage ride and for whatever part of her is satisfied by having something, having anything. I will never tie C again. I will never lab with C again. I don’t know how to tell her that. Can I say this: “C you’re a wonderful person until we get around rope and then you’re a fucking cunt from the deepest circle of hell”?
By the way, when I first wrote this I called C by the letter A. Then I decided that I am A. Because I Am. And because I Am Angry.

Both dollies
all Cureless items are Epiphany gacha
CURELESS[+] Melodic Doll / Doll Choker / GOLD
CURELESS[+] Melodic Doll / Dolly Arm RARE (I can haz bento doll handz!)
CURELESS[+] Melodic Doll / Dolly Leg GOLD
CURELESS[+] Melodic Doll / Quaver Shoes / GOLD
Lelutka, Simone head 3.0
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
Michan, Meredith Lashes

Good dolly
tram, F1124 HUD B
r2 A/D/E kanna pasties[pink]Maitreya
r2 A/D/E kanna panties[pink]Maitreya
Glam Affair – Kinga ( LeLutka Applier ) Asia
{Frick} Dolly Makeup in Pink {Lelutka App} (past gift)

Bad dolly
Doe: Seren [Fit] – Indecisive (Epiphany gacha)
*PROMAGIC* Kinky -Pasties-Gold (past gacha)
r2 A/D/E haruka panties[black]Maitreya
Glam Affair ( Lelutka Heads ) LiuLy ( Artic ) 02 (past gacha)
Zibska Tini Lips Lelutka Applier

Tomoto at Japonica

If you make a trip to Japonica you will find a gacha by Tomoto. Each outfit consists of a knee-length kimono and a haori (jacket worn over the kimono). I confess that I didn’t like the cream-coloured haori that I won, but I loved the dress. Problem was that the dress has no sleeves: it’s cut to accommodate the haori. A bit of digging in my inventory yielded a haori from a 2017 gacha. I liked it at the time but didn’t want to wear it with the red kimono that came with it. Happily the old haori and the new kimono work well together.
It’s difficult for me to handle the clash of fabrics in Japanese combos, so I am particularly proud of this look. The clash of the white-leaning kimono and cream haori I won at Japonica made me nuts, for instance. And that doesn’t compare to the possible dissonance of three or more Japanese fabrics in one ensemble. A final note for perfectionists: the kimono has a flared skirt, which I had to edit out of the photos. See how devoted I am to fashion and to you?

Credits
tomoto, mini-kimonoF wave jour han-eri (can only be worn with a haori) (current gacha @ Japonica)
tomoto, haoriF 2017W (past gacha)
May’s Soul, Loto hair stick L black
Luas, Izumi Okobo Blue (past gacha)
Amacci Hair, Maria ~ Dark Copper
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 01 F
{S0NG} :: San~ Aqua Eye

Black net, bloody bites and bruised blossoms

Pics 1 and 3
NEW Mushilu, Carle Dress Red RARE (gacha at Kinky Monthly)
-KC-, [MAITREYA] -KC- BLAIR PLATEAU / PAIR
Amacci, Hair Maria ~ Black Coal (on Marketplace for sure—an oldie, comes with big flowers for the hair)
:Moon Amore: Liberte / Blindfold / Rougue (past gacha)
:Moon Amore: Liberte / Papillon Gag / Rougue (past gacha)
.ARISE. Lip Drool (with resizer)
S&P, Collar of O (OC SIX) Lara, comes with cuffs
The White Crow, 5 COMMON -[TWC]- Proverb (past gacha)
The White Crow, 9 RARE -[TWC]- Blossom (past gacha)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
-Glam Affair – Aria – Artic 05 A (past gacha)
*MSS*, So sad little geisha dark brows *MSS*black (not available; I miss Miss Shippe)

Pic 2
:Moon Amore: Florence Lingerie / Bra – Floral Burgundy, comes with Florence Lingerie / Panty&Straps – Floral Burgundy (last month’s Collabor88)
-FABIA- Mesh Hair Gift 1 (past anniversary gift for
::Axix:: Beloved Nocturnia Gag (past Bound Box)
S&P, Collar of O (OC SIX) Lara, comes with cuffs
antielle. Appetizer / Bites & Blood (Medium) (Hard)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
-Glam Affair – Sasha skin – India 01 G (past gacha)

streetscape: Joplino, Backdrop Far Eastern (subscribo gift)
poses: Imeka, Kylie