Midnight snack

You may be interested to know that
—after years of posting small pics so that I wouldn’t run out of my maxedish storage I suddenly decided to buy more storage and I don’t know why #Ilikeme
—it’s possible to win the snazzy ringmistress outfit pictured here from ANTINATURAL’s Lootbox gacha because creator Kaorinette isn’t one of those ghastly meanies who makes all the clothing RARE #ratedG
—I fucked up Ama’s blood splatter on the LeLutka face by using the eye makeup layer and had to edit it; when it works it covers the whole left cheek #juicy
—Ama’s blood splatter makes it look like Portia killed a bunch of people and then put on a clean outfit but forgot to wash off the blood #indamnspot
—I hope this is only the first of my Hallowe’en posts #closetghoul

ANTINATURAL[+] Carnival Freaks / Clown Outfit / M / BLACK (Lootbox gacha)
ANTINATURAL[+] Carnival Freaks / Ringmaster Tophat / BLACK (Lootbox gacha)
CURELESS [+] BunnyDoll / Hold / RED (oldish group gift still available)
Mad’ – Son of Satan FaceTattoo [group gift]
LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.3(static ears)
[ MUDSKIN ] _Anna # Bare_102
*Dura-Boys&Girls*40(Black) (old)
*PKC* Queen Septum – Unrigged
Ama. : Blood Splatter
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
location: Hallowe’en Town

Bee near me

I held off shooting these Asteroid Box nipple clamps—which are the loveliest I’ve ever encountered—because I wanted to make a definitive portrait of my av. I finally decided that all I needed was a simple set-up and pretty look. I’m pleased with the results. Portia is wearing the Anna skin for LeLutka by Sopha Portal for MUDSKIN. (It was at Kustom 9 but it ended. Try the main store in a month.) Portia has been wearing a MUDSKIN skin that made her look 19, and made me feel as though I was having a mid-life crisis, so it’s a relief to see her hitting 25. I love the softness of Ms. Portal’s skins. It’s an old-school two-d style in a market that’s saturated with cheesily chiselled 3-d faces.
The diamond-studded “Queen” septum is flashier than I usually like but the companion bee piercing made my lips tingle.

Asteroid Box, Perseus Nipple Chains
[ MUDSKIN ]_Anna # Bare_102 (LELUTKA)
*PKC* Queen Bee Bento Lip Piercing and Queen Septum Unrigged – Resize On Touch
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.3(static ears)
.ELIKATIRA Haley Reds (may not be available)
**RE** Shop Your Heart Out Earrings (old gift)
Paperbag. Elephant Queen Tattoo (Faded) (2014 n/a)
Maitreya, Lara 4.1
location: Ethereal City, an adult sim

What’s a “legacy blogger” in Second Life?

I made up the phrase legacy blogger. It has probably been made up already. A legacy blogger is someone who thinks “I really wish I could wear a Chantkare necklace with this outfit,” and is not ashamed to accessorize with something old. I am inspired by bakes on mesh, which makes it possible for me to wear once again skins and clothing from as long ago as 2008. Okay, maybe not that far back. (I should look for some of those old ugly free platforms and stiff silks. Nah, those shoes were very uncomfortable.)
I am fascinated by the fact that there are creators from my past that I think about often. The Sea Hole. Couverture. Runo Runo. I can wear Tee*fy’s leggings again. In today’s first pic Portia is wearing a tattoo I’ve thought about often. It dates back to the Help Japan event that followed the tsunami. In the second photo, Portia wears a HUCCI bodysuit and the Kati skin and signature bold makeups from Nuuna.
Here, Portia wears an old &bean skin with some new ILLMATIC earrings. Sadly, the &bean skins, which were some of my favorites, don’t work very well on my mesh head. The shading where nose meets the eye wanders out of place. But I massaged this one into a look befitting Hallowe’en. I could also call Hallowe’en on the bone lines on the hands, which are wayward. I was amused to find once again &bean’s eyebrows, which read “WEAR ME GODDAMNIT.” I guess everyone was lazy back then.
I especially miss skins for avatars of colour. It horrifies me to see what has happened to Glam Affair’s darker skins. They were the only ones I could tolerate once Dutch Touch, League and Birdy closed. Dutch Touch skin tones are the most satisfying I’ve ever encountered because they are so velvety. One of the wonderful things about old skins is that they are not marred by those ugly white patches that are supposed to look like highlights on cheeks. (This is not the way to simulate three dimensions. Turn your head to a 3/4 angle.) The downside of old skins is that breast shadows are totally off. And vaginas need hair so that they don’t look like a single black line drawn with crayon. In this pic Portia wears my absolute favourite lingerie from the deep past. There it is in all its blurry glory. When Canimal came back into business about a year ago I couldn’t stop fantasizing about asking the creator to redo this lingerie. Now I don’t need to. It’s our legacy.

If you are wondering how to do bakes on mesh, use the latest official viewer. (I know. Ugh.) Buy an Omega Bakes on Mesh HUD in the Marketplace. Use your Omega routers for head and body. And for goodness’ sake remember to take off your alphas for body and/or head when you bake something on them. I lost half an hour of my life because I forgot that. This video explains.

These photos were not edited.

Pic one
2014 [theSkinnery] Haruko 3 (milk) DB CL1 [gacha]
2017 [CX] Noh Eyeliner Style 1 (Tintable)
2014 Opall*Hikaru bracelets Mouse
2011 *deviant girls* pray for japan tattoo
2018 Michan Clara Lashes
2019 Kibitz – Dont want ur attention necklace – gold
2019 tram H1020 hair
2012 Glitterati, Boobalicious (remember Lolas?)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.3(static ears)
okay, I edited the left elbow

Pic two
2013 +Nuuna+ Kati Skin [Fair]
with +Nuuna+ Kati Eyeliner 3
and +Nuuna+ Kati Blush 4 (tintable)
and +Nuuna+ Kati Red 2 lips
2013 +Nuuna+ Zion 2 Pinkish tat. (F) (on Marketplace)
2014 +Nuuna+ Dow Blue
2011 ::HH:: Hucci V Bodysuit – Candy 5
2011 (Paper Couture) Parted Hair Base – Black
2015 MONS / MESH – Septum Ring (style23)
2018 OXIDE Starry Hoop Earring
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.3(static ears)

Pic three
2010 &Bean – Old Bones Burning Stake
2013 [:Tuli:] Tiny Heart Mole
2010 booN FTN683 hair black
2019 ILLMATIC // Double Sided Marble Studs
2015 #187# Handcuffs Melee Black-Gold
2012 [Cynful] Vale’s Turtleneck Dress
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.3(static ears)

Pic four
2011 Jaliah skin by Dutch Touch
2009 Canimal lingerie
2015 Things tattoo
2018 Iconic Roman
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.3(static ears)

Platonic play and patriarchal polyamory, a breakup story

It surprises me that this is my most popular photo on Flickr. I wonder if it’s popular because it appears so clean but is really very kinky. You see no fleshy sexy bits; you see no sexual act. Instead, you get a full dose of fetishistic shiny black clothing, strict bondage and a collar that could suffocate the wearer. If the pic is popular it must mean that people find bondage hot in itself. Sex in the vanilla sense would not make it hotter. I bring this up because I am still struggling with my reluctance to mix sex with bondage. A few weeks ago, my rope partner broke up with me after two and a half years. He pointed to nothing specifically wrong about the relationship. In fact, I recall only a few solid things he said in the 45-minute conversation we had on the phone. One, a question I asked, was “do you think you’re my toehold in the scene?” He didn’t answer yes or no. Two, the last thing he said, “I worry about codependency.” Based on what I’ve read online, none of the definitions of codependency applies. (Based on these two remarks it seems to me that he thinks I was using and controlling him. Given that he took off soon after a couple of other women in the scene started to learn how to tie, I’d say he was the one who was using me and dropped me when an alternative appeared. I hope these women turn out to be bad at rope.) Three, the second last thing he said: “I’m only doing sexual play.” This after two and a half years of platonic play. Perhaps he thought he was telling me that he’d still be with me if he hadn’t made that decision, that the only thing wrong with our relationship was that it didn’t fully meet his current needs. As I said to him in an unhappy message I wrote yesterday—after holding back for three weeks—there’s nothing wrong with having a raspberry in your bowl of strawberries. Why forego enjoying platonic play with one partner because you are enjoying sexual play with other partners?
This part of the conversation sent me into a tailspin. I felt violently coerced by what I see as the patriarchal rules of the scene, which is predominantly polyamorous. Women have to put out, or at the very least they have to pretend to always be on the verge of putting out. A woman has to have sex with a partner even if she doesn’t desire them, and even if that partner doesn’t desire her. A woman has to have multiple partners, so any given partner won’t feel responsible for her emotionally, romantically, sexually. (“I don’t need to care if your hamster died. You’re just one of my poly paramours. Like I don’t need to care if you have an orgasm. Your other partner can work on that with you.”) That refusal of responsibility extends to the social, where a partner avoids hanging out at the munch because they’re looking for new partners. I had a huge crisis as I started to wonder why I couldn’t live by these rules but every other woman in the scene apparently could. Then it hit me: I must be asexual if I’m not having sex with anyone and don’t want to have sex in the absence of desire and don’t want to have sex with multiple partners. I even contacted someone and said their event was so focused on sex-with-rope that it marginalized asexuals. I couldn’t believe I had said that. It’s true that the event runner takes no notice of asexual attendees. But is it true I am asexual?
After a few days, I consulted the internet and decided that I must be grey asexual. It’s not that I never feel desire for someone. Last fall I had a sexual play partner. It’s just that it happens rarely. While this isn’t on the Wikipedia page, it’s also the case that I am whole-hog kinky. Rope is more pleasurable than sex. I do get aroused when someone is tieing me, but so much more is happening that pursuing orgasm is absurd. I can do that on my own. I can’t feel ensnared by a black energy that renders me mute and motionless. (My partner untied me too soon to let me see if I could slough it off. I hope to get back there again and try.) The other thing that I love about rope is that topping engages men more than having a quick orgasm. What this means is that after tieing me my male partner isn’t going to give me the look that men give me after fucking. It’s a look that says, “I wish I hadn’t done that.” I didn’t use to think that I was asexual. I thought I was someone who didn’t want to ever see that look again and was willing to avoid sex to spare myself the sight.
A two-and-a-half-year relationship in the scene is like 17 years in the real world. I can’t say that I loved my partner and I can’t say that I was in love with him. I don’t even miss him. Really, we were standoffish. Maybe that was because we had a natural affinity for that kind of poly deal where each person is terrified of asking too much. Maybe that was because we are both WASPS. What I feel at the end of the relationship is pride. We did what the scene thinks impossible. We played platonically, we eventually switched, and we even got to the point where we were exchanging ties on any given play night. Before he hung up the phone on the night he broke up with me, he said maybe we could play sometime. Even if I wasn’t pissed off at him, I wouldn’t want to tie again. The satisfaction for me was in the partnership, not in any single scene.

I hope you have enjoyed my top four pics from Flickr.

Spoonful of Sugar Festival

Today Portia is wearing a dress from Eveline in the Box, which I picked up at the Spoonful of Sugar Festival, a charitable event for Doctors Without Borders.
It’s been so long since I put an outfit together, carefully gathering pieces that dialogue with one another through colour, prints, proportion, etc. That’s the real job of a fashion blogger. Neva Seljan is brilliant at assembling seemingly incompatible items. I am more matchy-matchy, and played it so safe here that instead of wandering the shops I resurrected an old turban by Lelutka and a set of jewellery by a departed favourite creator, Sana.

Eveline in the Box, Carita Maitreya Red (at Spoonful of Sugar)
Kibitz – Zaris bracelets (and armlets)
#EMPIRE – Impatiens – Maitreya *Materials*
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
. MILA . Messy eyelashes
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
. MILA . POSES // Seductive (second pic)
not available:
*Sanu Pearlescence Pink/gold Drop Necklace
*Sanu Pearlescence Pink/gold Earring

When she’s sweet

I’m Portia. My pronouns are she/her.

parfait. Lilith Lingerie – .pink. (the cups can be hidden) (you can pick this up at Romp but it’s not the new item)
NEW tram, I0706 hair at Uber
NEW Rainbow Sundae, Senpai’s Love Tattoo (was at Notice Me Senpai and isn’t yet in the main store)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
Vibing – Jacinda Bracelet – Rose Gold (anniversary gift at Uber)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Zibska ~ Cori Eyemakeup (not available)
[POUT!] Delicate Lashes – Multi Appliers (group gift, no fee to join)
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
pose: BodyLanguage SLC, Suits (gift at Uber)

A lovely picture and a heartbreaking story

My mother has dementia. Her doctor says she could easily live ten more years. I don’t want her to suffer that. I watched her memory deteriorate over the past decade, attempting over and over again to alert her and my brother to what I saw. They teamed up to shout me down. Now my Mom is paying the price. Ten years ago she might have had time to devote herself to her health, at the very least find some kind of stimulation in outings and people instead of living like a hermit. I think it was two years after my father’s death in 2007 when she suffered a psychotic depression. She ended up at CAMH in Toronto after a suicide attempt. From there they enrolled her in an inpatient program that allowed her to spend weekends at home. So I moved to Toronto, where I hadn’t lived for ten years, and did nothing for the month my Mom was in residence. By nothing, I mean that every morning I would get up around nine, go to a cafe with a shady patio, read one of Foucault’s lectures, which are page-turners, and then do none of my own work. I never read a second lecture on any given day, never channeled what I had read into my scholarship. I think I was on Second Life for hours every day, putting in the time until I could make my 90-minute walk to visit my Mom at the loony bin, as I called it. Native Torontonians of a certain age will remember it was referred to as “999,” after the street address. They changed the number to 1001 to combat the stigma conjured by a number as ominous as 999. (What’s scarier than the Beast? Mentally ill Torontonians!) Mom didn’t see the point of the program, refused to talk about herself, and not-so-secretly admired the teenage depressives who told the clinicians that they were full of shit. In the end, the depression receded but not because Mom did the work of getting better. She just lucked out.

Now there is neither work nor luck in the offing. Over the weekend I encountered for the first time a woman who was hopelessly confused about taking pills and who kept trying to get things sorted with no success. No notes, neither hers nor mine, can keep her focused. She writes the same note every day on the same piece of paper and it only registers while I’m dictating it. Phone call reminders worked for a few days, but then it became apparent that Mom was taking pills when she wasn’t supposed to. And denying she’d had calls from the care worker, and bitching about the calls being ineffectual when she wasn’t denying. In the early summer, I spent ten glorious days with her. This was longer than the five I’d planned because she went into Emergency the day before I was going to leave and it would have been rude to say “Good thing that wasn’t a stroke, Mom, because I’m leaving town tomorrow.” She was so sweet and open. I used eye contact and gentle touch when she was sad or worried, and it helped. I left Toronto loving her and loving the city. Her mood changed once the caretaker and the cleaning person and the nurse started their shifts. Eight hours a week of contact with other humans in her home has been enough to turn my mother into a bear. She’s threatening to move out so that the others can move in. Funny that, since it looks like her resistance to in-home care is going to lead to living in a retirement home, something she has always sworn she would never do. She’s also threatened to throw herself off a bridge. There’s nothing funny about that.

Mom rejects the diagnosis of dementia and won’t accept that her memory is bad. She just wants this problem of taking her pills to be resolved. She gets no comfort in knowing she will be called and talked through the process each time. Earlier this summer, when I loved my mother and Toronto, I considered moving there for the warm months, taking a room in a student house in the Annex. I thought these could be the last few months Mom would know who I am and that I should be there to enjoy them with her. Tomorrow I am going to spend a week with her, holding down the fort until my brother, who lives in England, can stay to “train” her to take her meds and convince her to go into a residence. I don’t know if he can pull that off in three weeks. I do know that one day soon I am once again going to be staying in her apartment while she is somewhere else in the city, being ill. The residence we’d like to see her settle into is only five minutes away, so I won’t be excusing intellectual inactivity by taking exhausting healthful walks. And I hope I won’t be so sad for her and so depressed myself that I spend all my free time on Second Life. I’ve built a better first life for myself in the years since that summer Mom was in the loony bin, fighting my own mental illness, finding a kind of calling in rope, finally completing—just today—an essay I’ve worked on for four summers and a couple of Christmas breaks. I didn’t read all of Foucault’s lectures, just enough to know he never really discusses biopolitics, just gets bogged down in governmentality, so there’s no point going back to that cure-all. I will instead read about person-centered care for people with dementia, find ways to be kind to my mother, and fight my instinct to run the fuck away.

Violent Seduction – Iki’s Look Dress (rare gacha at epiphany)
Violent Seduction – Iki’s Look Bag (Pink) (gacha at epiphany)
Violent Seduction – Iki’s Look Beret (White) (gacha at epiphany)
tram, D428 hair / maroon
LERONSO// Lelutka/Group gift/ Skin “Minori” – snow (with makeup)
Zibska, Poly eye makeup gift (gone, over, ended, where were you?)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
Pure Poison – Pointy Nails – Hearts – Maitreya – (VIP group gift)
location: Hitogata

In which I whine uninspiredly

I think my second life is drawing to a close. In the past six months, I have been shopping Fifty Linden Friday and the Saturday Sale, slowly tweaking my avatar’s appearance with one or two new items each week—most of which I forget I bought—but rarely wanting to create a look worth shooting. I little understand why I am still holding on. SL is so overrun with repetitive fetish wear that I see no point in buying or photographing it. It turns out there are only so many variations a creator can run on straps and chains. I can’t even imagine visiting BDSM sims in the hope of finding a new community of perverts with whom I can kibitz. I don’t see recreating the literal zoo I discovered way back when. (Human avatars were supposedly having sex with animal avatars. I was meeting The One. I am now too lazy to look for The Second One. Or emote love with a kemono. Whatever a kemono is.) In the past couple of years, I have been extremely ambivalent about spending time in world. I see it as a sign that something or someone has disappointed me and I am hiding. The less you hear from me the happier I must be.
Among the small things that keep me coming back are group gifts from Faina Cortes of La Malvada Mujer. I couldn’t resist buying the Delicate Lipstick to go with the bushy gift brows. (There’s a much less bushy brow included, but where’s the evil in that?)

ALTAIR* momokuri uniform .marine. (gacha at Crystal Heart)
C’est la vie, Jody Rib Socks #1
NX-Nardcotix Libby Platform MJ Ebony (MAITREYA) (look closely at the photo: I think these are not well made but judge for yourself)
La Malvada Mujer – Welcometothejungle brows /omega app (group gift: if it’s gone it may be for sale on Marketplace)
La Malvada Mujer – Delicate Lipstick
MILA, messy eyelashes
Izzie’s, Winter Eyes (fantasy)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
tram, H1116 hair HUD A
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
BodyLanguage SLC, Bento SS POSE Lost in the Net B

Pastel bunny

The Bunny Hop Hunt ends on the 14th. The glasses and bunny bag shown here are from Dazed and NS:: respectively. Almost all the prizes cost 25L.
I’ve been haunting the Lucky Boards at Violent Seduction, where I won Chloris in Lavender and Alecto in mint. I also won Alecto in black and Alecto in Burgundy and Alecto in Black and Alecto in Burgundy. And Alecto in macrame. And Alecto in string cheese. My av’s shoes are FurtaCor from the Bunny Hop Hunt and her glasses and bow are hunt prizes from NS::.
Jeepers, my last post was a Valentine’s Day / Year of the Pig twofer. And now it’s Easter. Have I turned into a kitschy holiday blogger? I do feel suspiciously festive.

Portia in Alecto
Violent Seduction – Alecto Maitreya (Mint) (Lucky Board)
DAZED. Niji Glasses (Bunny Hop Hunt)
DAZED. Spring Nose Piercing (Bunny Hop Hunt)
DAZED. Dotted Bento Nails [Maitreya] (Bunny Hop Hunt)
NS:: Bunny bag (for pic) (Bunny Hop Hunt)
Moon. Hair. // Bloom Erratics pack
+Half-Deer+ Velven Bunny Ears (Stardust Plum) (old gacha)
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
*Rainbow Sundae* Ethereal Blush LeLutka
Rin – Face Glimmer (group gift)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
*katat0nik* (Slink & Maitreya) Eva Bunny V2 Tattoo Sleeves (past gift at Ozimals)

Portia in Chloris
Violent Seduction – Chloris – Lavender (Maitreya)
.:::FurtaCor::::Bunny Shoes::: (Bunny Hop Hunt)
NS:: Bunny Bow (Bunny Hop Hunt)
NS:: Bunny Shades (Bunny Hop Hunt)
DAZED. Spring Nose Piercing (Bunny Hop Hunt)
The Bunny Hop – Egg Basket (Group Gift at the hunt)
Moon. Hair. // Bloom Erratics pack
.LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
[ MUDSKIN ]_BLOODY MARI # DAY6_102 (past gacha)
*Rainbow Sundae* Ethereal Blush LeLutka
Rin – Face Glimmer (group gift)
This is Wrong, Closer (unisex Lucky Board)
Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1

Foxcity, Insatiable prop (poses not included)
Iconic, Indie Bunny (old rare gacha)